All this talk of dating has made me want to transfer another blast from the past over to this blog from my other blog that is on it’s way to cyber oblivion. I first wrote this as a note on Facebook in December 2007. I was still living as female but I had just decided to transition. So my experience of dating sites up until then had all been as female. Enjoy!
Come on. It’s been quite a while since I’ve ranted about anything. I’m way overdue! So today’s topic is: dating sites.I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve made much use of various dating sites in the past . . . oh . . . 5-6 years. The kinds of sites I’ve used range from innocent “friend finder” type sites for people looking to just date to adult-oriented sites for people just looking to get laid to BDSM sites for people looking for . . .well, it’s a bit too complex to explain here without oversimplifying it. One site that I’ve been on for a number of years caters to people that are into ethical non-monogamy (as in, having an open or flexible relationship where you openly communicate with your life partner and you are both aware of the sexual and/or emotional relationships that you each have outside of your relationship. This is in contrast to non-ethical non-monogamy, otherwise known as CHEATING and LYING and HYPOCRISY – been there, done that, don’t want to go back there EVER. Too stressful and you can never really look your partner in the eye and feel good about yourself after. Not to mention you’re messing with someone’s health and life, especially if you’re not careful about STIs. YMMV and who the hell am I to judge you if that’s your choice.)
And yeah, there is still some stigma attached to using dating sites. That’s just silly! Hey, some of us are WAY too busy to go cruising around in bars. Besides, bars are LOUSY places to meet people, unless you just want casual sex, which is OK sometimes but that can get a little boring. If I go to a bar, I want to hang out with my friends, not worry about flirting and stuff.
ANYWAY – Overall, my experience with these sites has been positive. I’ve met people that I’ve never seen again since and others that I stayed friends with even after we stopped having sex due to lack of compatibility or life getting in the way. And yet others turned out to be non-sexual friends because we met and clicked intellectually but not sexually. It’s all good.
However, to get to the point where I can say that my experiences have mostly been positive, I’ve still had to wade through my fair share of riff raff. I have several peeves when it comes to the approach some people use on these sites. If you’ve been on these sites, you may recogise some of these. If you haven’t and are planning to, maybe there are pitfalls that you can avoid.
Peeve #1 – Women writing to me looking for a hot, bi babe to share with their husband.
Now, I have no objection to FFM threesomes. For a bi person like me who is nearly equally attracted to both men and women, it’s like utopia! And in fact, one of my most beautiful and fulfilling sexual and emotional experiences was with a male-female couple that I met on the above-mentioned non-monogamy site and that I dated (yes, one can date a couple!) for about a year. Solid and stable couple so no jealousy, good relationship with them as individuals and as a unit, did other things like share meals, walks, long intellectual talks, etc. Ideal for all of us. And they were both HOT!!!! *sigh*
BUT: What bugs me is these women who first write pretending to be looking for a woman for one-on-one sex but then, after a few email exchanges, you find out she wants her hubby in on the action. Why not be upfront about that? Yes, I know it’s hard because you get refused flat out most of the time, but jeez, do you really think that hiding it for a while then springing it on a woman is going to change her mind if she<s not into it from the start? There are many reasons that I suspect that bi women on these sites turn down a lot of couples: a) they are in relationships with men and want female action on the side so won’t be interested in the woman’s husband or BF; b) the majority of men (I’d say 75%)are ugly (that’s my subjective truth) so it’s not necessarily worth having sex with an ugly man just so that you can get to his hot wife or c) they’re just not into 3somes.
A variant of this is: “It will be just me and you but I would like my husband to watch.” What?! The idea of consensual exhibitionism and voyeurism is obviously not offensive to me but what makes you think that every bi woman wants to be on display for the “male gaze” like in a porn movie? Sheesh.
Finally, too often I get the icky feeling that this woman is just doing this to please her husband. I know it’s not always the case but the pressure on women to be sexually adventurous is very great, to the point where many women may feel that they have to look and act like porn stars to keep their man’s attention.
Peeve #2 – People who send generic messages
You can tell right away when someone has this generic message that they just send to everyone. They claim it saves time. That may be the case but if you’re not willing to put a little effort into composing a message that makes the person feel as though you are responding to their specific profile, why the hell do you expect that this person will take the time to respond? I’ve gotten so fed up with receiving messages from guys that describe a whole sexual scenario that has nothing specifically to do with me but that he sends to every female profile that catches his eye that I put a note in capital letters in all my profiles saying that if the person wants a response from me, they have to indicate exactly what it is about my profile that makes them think we would click. My profiles are always quite detailed about personality, interests (sexual and otherwise), turn ons and turn offs, etc so that someone can easily find something to comment on if they take the time to read my profile before copying and pasting their damn generic message. I mean, I may be into casual sex sometimes but it doesn’t mean that I don’t like to feel that there is something specific about me that makes someone want to be with me. Sheesh. Which leads me to . . .
Peeve #3 – People who don’t bother reading profiles before writing.
Yes, yes, I know that on some of these sites, like adult friend finder, you can’t access people’s full profiles unless you’re female or unless you’re a male paying member. But still . . .
When I get a message like “My ideal woman is petite/slender and very feminine” after I’ve made it quite clear that I am full-figured and butchy, I feel entitled to being a little irritated. I specify these things to screen out people that are not into people that are like me. And what do I get for my painstaking time and effort? Messages like: “My ideal woman is petite/slender and very feminine”
The most recent message I’ve received on the poly (non-mono) site is what actually spawned this whole rant. Get this: this woman from the southern US writes to me and says that my profile caught her attention. She specifically quoted a line from my profile that reads: “I like women with strong minds that don’t live their lives to please men.” But then she says: “By the way, the child is OK.” Huh??? WTF? So I check out her profile.
A-HEM. It turns out this woman is one of these “anti-breeders”. Her list of turn-offs actually INCLUDES breeders. Hey!!!! Yo!!!! That’s ME you f*ing twat! But . . .according to her note . . . “the child is OK.” Oh, gee, don’t do me any favours you bigotted little wench. You really think I want someone in my life who is going to sneer at my “breedling” (a term she proudly claims to have coined) constantly?
Then her profile reads: “Not likely interested in a romantic relationship with Aquarius, Gemini, Leo, Scorpio, and Libra.” Ummmm . . .if signs are so important to you, why don’t you look at the person’s BIRTHDAY as indicated at the top of your profile. Then you would know that I’m an aquarius and wouldn’t bother wasting my precious time. I don’t care about that stuff but apparently it matters to you so . . . .
Then . . .then . . .get this, you’re gonna love this one. It’s just too good. From her profile: “I LOVE the European people, also the Middle Easterners if religion is not the focal point of their existence…Indians are one of my top ethnic loves.”
. . .
. . .
I’m a f*ing cultural anthropologist and it says so in my profile. Then you spring this ethnocentric shit on me?!?! What.The.Fuck. As a dear friend, also an anthro, would say: “ARE YOU ON CRACK?!?!?!” Or are you one of those people that thinks that exoticising “the other” is OK and not dehumanising?
She doesn’t want rednecks, but she discriminates against redheads, people under 5′5″, people who are not weight/height proportionate and people who have intellectual disabilities. uh-huh. I’m impressed.
But hey, if you’re female and have big lips, a big butt and long hair or if you’re male and are softspoken, intellectual, thin and into urban culture and if you don’t have any of the above-mentioned turn-offs, let me know and I’ll set you up with her. K?????
And finally . . . .my biggest pet peeve of all . . . .
Peeve #4 – People who can’t write coherently
OK, so after the drama of peeve #3, maybe this is a bit anti-climatic. But still. How can you possibly expect to turn me on sexually if you can’t turn me on intellectually? And how can you possibly expect to turn me on intellectually if you can’t put a sentence together? Come on. You don’t need a B.A. to write a coherent message that avoids the use of “u” and “plz”. If I feel like I’m reading a student paper, I delete it.
Here’s a classic example of what I mean: ” i like ur profile. plz look at mine and if u r interested rite me back. here is a pic of my cock. hope u like it.”
‘Nuff said!!!!! Fortunately (well, everything is relative), as I transition and delete all my “female” profiles and replace them either with nothing if I just decide to give up on the online dating scene or with FTM/transman profiles if I get desperate because no bio males (hetero, homo or bi) that I meet want to sleep with or have a relationship with an FTM (I’m not worried about females . . .both hetero and lesBIan women seem to be down with transmen), I won’t have to deal with as many of these. If I still get things like “my ideal woman is petite and feminine” I think I will pretend to be it, set up meetings with these assholes and pull a “Crying Game” on them. Then, when they scream, I will rip out their tongues and . . .well . . .maybe not. But it makes for a good movie script, no? Just picture it: The Dating Site Avenger! S/he could have a cape and everything! Oh!!! And a g-string! And nipple clamps!! Because nipple clamps are sexy!!!
Sorry, got carried away. In closing, here is a final peeve. I didn’t include it in the list because it’s more about what happens after the email exchange than the actual online approach thing: people who stand you up on dates. Now, I did this twice in my young life and felt really shitty about it but I wrote to the person after and explained that I got scared etc (this was in my very early dating site days). But I’ve been stood up . .. ummmm . . .ok, actually only once by this woman who never wrote or called to cancel. . . but it pissed me off! So . . . don’t do that!
Rant over. Time to sleep.
December 2010 Update: Unless I’m asked to contribute a text to some project, I I don’t like to change my blog posts or other texts that are about self expression since they reflect who I was at the time. However, when I spot them, I like to point out problems with the text. In this case, the problem regards the lack of consideration for the existance of other trans men in the second to last paragraph! For some reason, I wrote about dating bio men and women in general but I guess that in that very early stage of my transition, the idea of dating fellow trans men …slipped my mind? I dunno.