Warning: some sexual content. Do not read if you think it will make you uncomfortable to read about sex acts or if you are underage and you think this will get you (or me) in trouble with your folks.
Back in early 2008, I was beginning to call myself gay and it’s really funny to remember that period because I felt so confused about my sexual orientation. After having proudly ID’s as bi for so many years and just assuming I would be bi forever, it threw me for a loop. A gay self-identity did not last long chez Jacky, however and boy am I glad. Not that I have a problem with the existance of that identity or any other, of course. I just don’t see how I could ever apply that to me.
That self-questionning led me to do some bizarre things. I was seeing a really fantastic woman at the time and I distanced myself from her just because of my own feelings of discomfort around sexuality. I hadn’t started testo yet and I really didn’t know how to manage my body image. I was still exploring what it meant to me to be a guy and I had all sorts of pre-conceptions that if I was a guy with a woman it meant that, sexually at least, I would have to “act” like a guy. I relied on strap-ons a lot with the assumption that a cock is naturally what a woman would expect from a guy. And when that felt uncomfortable for me, I chalked it up to some kind of “gayness” and just retreated to a place of paralysis. (Fortunately, when I saw her again several months later – at my transition party – I had gotten over this and, understanding as she is, she took me back and we are now in a really awesome place).
I’ve come a long way since then. I don’t worry so much about copying male sexual behaviour. I rarely use strap-ons and I came to realise that my discomfort with them had nothing to do with a loss of attraction or comfort with women but more to do with my preference for tactile contact. Occasionally, I’ll whip one out for something a bit different but it’s far from a regular part of my sex life. And when they pop up, they are not necessarily strapped on to me! Ha! There is something sexy and subversive about a guy sucking his girlfriend’s cock 😀 My girlfriend hasn’t complained and since she is an outspoken and direct (*wink*) kind of person, I’m pretty sure she would say something if she wanted this.
So, all in all, I’ve become quite comfortable with being a sexual being that doesn’t match what is normally expected, either in terms of my sexual body or in terms of the sex acts that I engage in. And since my internal self-identity is more about being fe/male, my own special blend of male and female, I’m way more OK than I was with just doing what feels good and not worrying about meeting some kind of gendered expectation. I’m also lucky to be a part of a community – leather dykes – where lots of the women are bi or pansexual and open to trans guys and genderqueers.
All that being said, I really *do* miss having a cis male presence in my sex life. The cismen that I tend to be attracted to are a little scruffy. I like the energy of men who work physically but that are also intelligent and with whom I can have an interesting and informed conversation. But these guys tend to be hetero. I don’t meet many gay or bi identified lumberjacks and plumbers.
The problem, essentially, is that I’m too masculine for the comfort of the average hetero cis guy. He would have to be extremeley comfortable in his skin to date a guy like me and not be afraid that this made “gay” . But, to meet my standards, he would also have to NOT consider that it was OK because I wasn’t a “real” guy or some stupid shit like that.
On the other hand, I’m not masculine enough for most cis gay guys that I know. I don’t have a cock and the love of cock, from what I know, is a big part of gay culture. I know some gay guys are open and that, if the arrangement is open so that they still have access to cock, they might be OK with it. But finding guys like that is difficult when I have a busy life that precludes frequent visits to the village or meeting up with guys from online.
Finally, there are bi cis guys but I remember that when I hung around with a lot of bisexuals, I still met a lot of people who liked men and women but nothing in between. A person might be bi, but very often they ID as bi because they like men for certain stereotypical traits and women for certain stereotypical traits. Heck, I was once like that too. So a person like me who is just . . . out there . . .doesn’t necessarily have any more appeal for your average bisexual than I do for your average hetero or homo.
Such is life. But hey, a lot of what I’ve written above mostly applies to cisfolks. Lots of trans folks, whatever their sexual orientation are more accepting of “alternatively gendered bodies”. There are cisgendered pansexuals and there are also genderqueers! And there are gay and bi trans men. So I don’t worry about not having a sex life. I just wish that sex life included an occasional cismale.
But other than that, life is great. So I can’t really complain! Just thought I’d share some reflections about how far I’ve come since my identity crisis in early 2008 😀