I don’t want the M.

27 08 2009

I’ve thought about it. Lots. And ya know what? I don’t really think I want an “M” on my ID. I like being in between. I like being FTM and I feel that keeping the F on my ID is one way of maintaining an FTM, rather than an M, identity.

I like the mixed message that the F sends just like I like the mixed message that keeping Nancy as my official middle name sends. I like being of an “other” sex. I wish there was a T option or at least “other” where one could fill in the blank.

I’m not male, I’m . .. something else. A guy. But a guy who’s got girl bits and wants to keep most of them. A female-bodied guy.

It’s not an exotic thing. It’s just an alternate (to the mainstream) way of being and I like it.

DISCLAIMER: As always, I speak for myself and by no means imply that being trans is an in between state for anyone but me or that no one else should desire the M or the F that they wish to have.

I hate having to put these disclaimers but I’ve seen the hatred that gets thrown around even in the trans community when people don’t like how other people express their transness so if the above does not apply to you, please respect my difference as I respect yours. If it makes you angry because you want all trans people to fit in the binary and people like me make you look bad to the mainstream, then please move along and abstain from leaving hateful comments on my blog.

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15 responses

27 08 2009
BT

I never got why you have to choose one or the other anyway. It’s not like people say, “Oh, you either have to be a plumber forever or you’re not forever!”

–Sneak

28 08 2009
Shirley Anne

I don’t think we evolve into what we are. We are who we are from birth. It’s just that we don’t always realise who we are until we get older and have experience in living. I think Jacky is actually Androgenous rather than FtM or whatever. In response to his next post regarding ID I think an ‘A’ on the passport would be more appropriate. What do you think Jacky? Love

Shirley Anne x

30 08 2009
BT

I’m not sure I agree with that either, Shirley Anne.

The body I inhabit was a very feminine girl until about the age of five. Then it drifted down the androgynous slippery slope until it crapped me out, and I’m male.

Then again, we weren’t multiple when we were five.

–Rogan

30 08 2009
Jacky V.

Sneak: Well, part of the problem is that it’s pretty much chosen for us, right.

Shirley Anne: I don’t agree that, as you say, we are necessarily who we are at birth . . . I definitely think that a lot of change can happen. I know that many fundamental things have changed about me and I’m not just talking about gender issues.

And yes, I am FTM. I socially identify as male for work and social purposes.
I have transitioned from a female social identity to a male social identity. What I’m talking about in these couple of posts is my internal state, how I perceive myself and about how my spirit expresses itself through my physical state. The marker on my ID has little to do with that internal state and that is part of the reason why I don’t feel that it has enough of a bearing on who I am to have it changed. Meanwhile, as I say in my post, it’s one of myriad ways to keep a link with the F past and the underlying F present.

And I do think T is appropriate rather than A. Will elaborate on why I wouldn’t pick A as my first choice in response to your other comment. But for now I will reiterate that I *am* FTM. That was part of the point . . .I am FTM, not just M.

30 08 2009
BT

Pleh. I tried to deconstruct gender in my head. It was HARD.

Plus “Sneakerperson” just doesn’t quite have the same ring as “Sneakergirl.”

–Sneak

30 08 2009
BT

SneakerKID?

–Rogan

18 09 2009
Gender Outlaw

The marker on my ID has nothing to do with my internal state. I have only two choices with the marker, and M is the best fit for me. M is how I want to be socially perceived. Crossing the border with a M passport felt *wonderful*. But internally, I’m more than M. It’s not that I’m genderqueer, but I’m a different kind of man, and I think that’s OK. (Ask me on a hard day and I might have a different answer.) What I personally struggle with is accepting that “different” does not detract from my “authenticity.” Working on that one…

Thanks for this post, Jacky, I always appreciate your perspectives!!

1 09 2009
Jacky V.

Sneakerfolk : )

1 09 2009
BT

Heehee! I like that one!

–Sneak

4 09 2009
syrlinus

Perhaps a T would be a better identifier (if Canada had such a thing). I’m like you in that changing the gender would make me an M but I’m not that. Neither am I an F. And the idea that it must be one or the other or neither (androgynous) isn’t accurate. I used to say that I was of a quantum gender (think Schroedinger’s cat and box): I am either, both and neither all at the same time. 🙂

hrmm… perhaps a blog entry to work on 😉

5 09 2009
More than just the “M” | A Life about Transition

[…] recently commented on why he (is that the pronoun you use, Jacky?) won’t change his gender from F to M. […]

6 09 2009
Jacky V.

Syrlinus: “I am either, both and neither all at the same time.”

YES! Exactly!

22 09 2009
Jacky V.

GenderOutlaw: I appreciate your perspective as well. I also feel that the M comes closer than F and I thought that I wanted it. And who knows, maybe I will want it at some point. Right now, it feels good to have that official marker that contradicts my appearance. Who knows what will happen with that.

As for “different” not meaning “inauthentic” . . . I hear ya. I think it comes down to how people define authenticity and reality. For some, it is so set in stone and rooted in biological factors that nothing a trans person does will ever get them to see us as we want to be seen. Not much we can do about that. Others are more flexible. But most of all, most people we cross paths with don’t even know unless we tell them . . . .so what does that say about what is real?

It’s odd that I had to approve your comments . . . not like you haven’t been commenting here for bloody ever . . . WordPress is being weird.

19 11 2009
Mitch

Ever feel like gender is kind of on a spectrum? Like it’s almost like a scale from 0 to 10 and you can feel like a number? I think it’s even more complex than that, but perhaps that is the simplest way to get a complex idea across.

23 11 2009
Jacky V.

Mitch, yeah, scales seem to be the way to go to try to get some of these ideas across to people who haven’t had to question their gender. There’s one particular set of scales somewhere in cyber space that has one scale for gender ID, one scale for gender expression and another one for physical sex. The point is to show how those aspects don’t necessarily line up the same way for everyone, or even for the same person at different times. They add a sexual orientation scale too but I don’t find it as relevant and it can also lead people who are new to all of these issues to conflate sexual orientation and gender identity.

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