Mother’s Day for Trans Moms

10 05 2009

UPDATED (last paragraph)

I just wanted to spend a special “Happy Mother’s Day” out to all trans moms. Whether you’re FTM, MTF or gender transgressing in some way, it’s possible that people around you don’t recognise you on mother’s day, even if you ARE a mom through having given birth or through adoption.

It came as a sudden shock to me last year when my son and I went out for lunch on Mother’s Day and the person giving out roses walked right by our table. Not that I really like flowers and not that I appreciate the association of flowers with women, as if all women liked flowers. But it felt weird to have my motherhood go unnoticed. And I know some people, including my own mom, are unsure about my current status as a mom. But as I’ve written here, here and here I’ll always be my son’s mom. Always.

My mom wrote to me this morning to wish me a happy mother’s day because she said, I was once a mother. Once a mother. Sigh.

I’m sure other transguys who are moms encounter similar things. IN some cases, they might be fine with that because I know some transguys, unlike me, actually prefer not to keep IDing as moms. On the other hand, some MTFs want to identify as moms and probably aren’t recognised as such by some people around them.

So, anyway, any of you trans folk who are moms and who aren’t always recognised as such for whatever reason, this one’s for you!

UPDATE: So, 5 minutes after I wrote this, 3 friends wished me a happy mother’s day. And my son gave me a card he made in school. So I guess my posts refer more to strangers than anything else 😉 But, still, I know it’s the case for many trans moms so my wish still stands!

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10 responses

10 05 2009
Mother’s Day for Trans Moms : Genderology

[…] by: T-Boy Jackey I just wanted to spend a special “Happy Mother’s Day” out to all trans moms. Whether you’re […]

10 05 2009
Sui

Thanks for this! I’d never even thought of this before, trans guys who are moms. At first I kinda brain farted, but your posts about motherhood got me thinking and really opened my eyes. I would like to have kids of my own some day and although I tell people I want to be a dad, I really would see myself as being somewhere between a mom and a dad.

10 05 2009
Jacky V.

Thanks Sui;

I guess having kids before or after transition can make a difference. In my case, I gave birth, nursed, etc well before transition. And I know that some other trans guys did the same thing and still prefer to ID as dads and that’s fine, I respect that. But in my case, I just can’t see myself giving up that part of my ID. And my son being able to call me Mommy has really helped him cope with such a massive change. His Mommy is changing but his relationship to Mommy isn’t.

11 05 2009
Shirley Anne (UK)

You are fortunate if your kids call you anything. I don’t get called dad by choice and I am not sure I want to be called mom seeing as I am not one but some sort of recognition would be nice, say a parent’s day? My two sons have never called me by my new names, save for once when my eldest did last year but that would be enough for me if they did. I might ask them to do just that now that I’ve been post-op for six and a half years. My ex. doesn’t use my names either but in every other way she is fine with me now.

Shirley Anne x

11 05 2009
Jacky V.

Shirley Anne; Do I understand correctly, that your kids call you Dad? If that is not your choice, that’s too bad. They are grown-up right? Hopefully they will be able to understand your preference eventually.

12 05 2009
Shirley Anne (UK)

No they don’t call me dad because I asked them not to, neither do they use my name but I do wish they would. I don’t wish to be called dad but I do wish to be called Shirley Anne.

Shirley Anne x

20 05 2009
Vanessa Law

I’d never quite thought about it like that – there’s probably always going to be a special place as mom in your child’s life.

You’re blessed!

Hugs,
Vanessa

21 05 2009
Jacky V.

Shirley Anne: I hear ya!

Vanessa: Indeed I AM blessed! Thanks!

17 06 2009
Femme

When my kids were very young I asked them what they wanted to use, name or what. My oldest chose my name my youngest chose mom.

To be honest I’ve never felt like a father and though there is that special bond if you are lucky to actually carry a child and give birth to them, I don’t think that is what a mother makes. Same for father’s. Bioligy is just bioligy, it’s how you are with your child that means anything.

But yes my youngest has always made me mother’s day things at school, and I have loved it. My oldest …. well if I get a card from her it’s also on mother’s day.
It’s extended “family” members that bother me. For instance if someone is talking to my youngest about me, instead of saying something like; what does your mother say about it, they insert my name instead. Not to mention the incorrect pronouns.
I now tend to spend very little time with “family” since it’s just not worth the stress in my life.

18 06 2009
Jacky V.

Sorry to hear that your “family” is giving you a hard time. I’m glad to hear your children are so accepting though!

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