Reconciling motherhood and being a guy – the epic goes on

7 03 2009

Here and here I wrote about the mental gymnastics involved in reconciling motherhood and being a guy. Now that I’m at the point where I’m very rarely read as female, it’s becoming even more interesting.  Last summer, at a glance, people would read me as male much of the time but could still easily see me as female. If they heard my son call me “Mommy”, then it just confirmed my femaleness for them if they weren’t sure. Now, though, people are honestly confused and get a deer in the headlights look on their face when I’m with him and they hear him call me Mommy. It’s actually pretty amusing. Even the people we already know are subject to mind fucks when he refers to me as “mommy” and “he” in the same sentence. Or when I do something nice and, in that way that kids mimic adults, he says: “Good boy, Mommy!”

One fun anecdote was when I took my son to see a doctor recently for a minor problem he was having. Being the friendly little boy that he is, went up to the doctor and introduced himself. Then he said: “And this is my Mommy.”  The Dr. gave me a quick look, then took my son to the examination table to give him a check up. When they came back to the desk, the Dr. peered at my over his glasses and asked me what my name was. I told him Jacky, which, of course, didn’t answer his mental question about my gender. “Why does he call you Mommy?” he asked. “Because I’m his mother,” I offered, with a sly smile. “Are you female?” he asked bluntly. I replied that I used to be female, not wanting to go into long drawn out explanations. A light bulb went off and he excitedly told me about an acquaintance of his that was going the other way and yadda yadda.

I left amused and confident that my son and I will have many more years ahead of us of amusing anecdotes. But it also left me with the usual thought that, when I’m with my son, it will never be possible to blend in. It’s ok. I’m not resentful. His well-being is more important to me than anything and part of that well-being is the reassurance that I’m the same person for him that I always was – Mommy. I’m willing to pay the price of other people’s confusion to preserve that.

Advertisements

Actions

Information

22 responses

7 03 2009
genderoutlaw

I loved reading that little story. You are amazing, and your boy is super lucky. What a great team you make! It will be really interesting to hear him talk about memories like this when he’s older.

7 03 2009
Jacky V.

Thanks Gender Outlaw ; ) Yeah, we’ll have a lot of stories to tell, that’s for sure. I did forget to mention that, even with people we know, he puts them through mind fucks when he refers to me as “mommy” and “he” in the same sentence. Or when I do something nice and, in that way that kids mimic adults, he says: “Good boy, Mommy!” I will go add that now LOL

8 03 2009
Shirley Anne

Very admirable Jacky. It must be difficult balancing the love you have for your son with the situations that you find yourself in when with him. It portrays, to me at least, a kind of sweet innocence. Would that the rest of society see it that way too. You are in fact both mother and father to your son and should have no reason to explain it to anybody. I’ll wager you get lots of fun seeing the reactions of those who don’t know you. It’s a sad fact that we cannot just get on with our lives without the interference of others. Bless you both. Love

Shirley Anne x

8 03 2009
Jacky V.

Thanks Shirley Anne. I don’t actually see myself as a father to my son. I don’t think I ever will. But, yeah, the reactions are interesting for sure. And since the existence of transmen isn’t that widespread, it’s the last thing that crosses people’s minds. They’re thinking either my son is confused or they made a mistake when they called me Sir, but then they look at me a see a guy and they just don’t know what to say. And the fact that I just smile and don’t feel the need to explain our lives to everyone doesn’t help.

9 03 2009
genderoutlaw

He sounds like such an interesting kid! I mean to be able to use “mommy” and “he” in the same sentence… well, he’s surpassing most of my friends and associates in terms of the gender and pronoun acrobatics!!

9 03 2009
Jacky V.

Yeah, I know! Even *I* have a hard time with that one!

9 03 2009
Jacky V.

His only concern seems to be that he might have to change sexes when he grows up. Once in a while he feels he needs to tell me that he will stay a boy when he grows up.

9 03 2009
genderkid

Reading this gave me goosebumps down my spine (in a good sense). The last part, especially, simply oozes love between you two. It makes my heart glow, just knowing that two people can love each other so much.

9 03 2009
Jacky V.

Aww, thanks Genderkid. A love for one’s child can be pretty overwhelming, in a good way, of course.

11 03 2009
radicalyffe

I marched in Mardi Gras last weekend, and it was AWESOME FUN. But this post reminded me of one of the gender-confusion incidents that we had involving one of the transguys and his 4 year old.

He transitioned before she was born, but she’s his biological daughter. Her name is Ruben, and she’s very rambunctious and tomboyish, and has a “boys” haircut (that is, the exact same short haircut that her mother has). She was wearing a t-shirt that read ‘Boys can wear Pink too!” and a green wig for the parade, and there was a lot of confusion about her gender. There always is, people assume that she’s a boy all the time (even when she’s dressed as a fairy princess).

So one of my friends asks my girlfriend “Oh, hey, people keep calling Ruben ‘she’… whats with that?” and my girlfriend was like “Well, um, thats cos Ruben’s a girl. As far as we can tell, anyway, its hard to tell at that age”

Which of course meant that everyone thought that Ruben was MTF.

It was really confusing for everyone involved, except for Ruben, who just thinks the gender binary is funny. I guess grown ups getting all uptight about stuff that isn’t even part of her world, is pretty funny. 🙂

In the end though she explained that “She will probably grow up to be a girl like her mum, not a boy like her dad.”

CUTEST THING EVAR!

11 03 2009
Jacky V.

That *is* very cute. And neat that she’s so open about gender. Glad to head you had so much fun. Read about the sign thing on your blog though . . . .not cool!

12 03 2009
radicalyffe

You know what would be cool? When we have our big party in the Romanian Castle, if we also have a Parents day where trans people can all bring their kids along to hang out and tell cute stories. 😀

The sign thing was exceptionally uncool. I imagine that they weighed the significance of stopping the *only* trans rights group in the entire parade from carrying a sign that said ‘The T is not Silent’ and decided it wasn’t worth the fall out. Still, that it had to go to the Head of Operations! I felt like such a REBEL. 🙂

13 03 2009
Jacky V.

Parents day at the castle? Why not! I’d have to bring my son the whole time though . . .can’t exactly ship him back to Canada after the family day is over! LOL

13 03 2009
Jacky V.

You? A rebel? Really, Ryan!

18 03 2009
BT

Your son sounds awesome, and so do you. Sneak’s been having some confusion since her age jump, she’s not entirely sure if she sees Rogan and Mac as “Daddy” anymore. But she’s still doing fine.

And now she’s trying to deconstruct her own gender. It’s giving her a headache. 🙂

–Miranda and someone

18 03 2009
Jacky V.

Yes, he is awesome! I bet it must be pretty confusing to jump like that, and I can see how she would question her relationship with the other people in her life in terms of age differences. Hope she enjoys deconstructing gender 🙂

Someone? Do you have a newbie in your system?

19 03 2009
How does T mess with your mind? « genderkid

[…] feeling strong emotions. I like the goosebumps down my spine when I read something extraordinarily heartwarming, and the electricity that rushes through my body during a particularly good […]

19 03 2009
curvyglo

“good boy, mommy!” made me giggle. that is completely adorable.

20 03 2009
Nick Kiddle

That’s a sweet story, and it reminds me of my daughter. She’s still confused about pronouns, and I have to keep reminding her, eg, “Granny’s a girl, so we say ‘her car’.” Most of my family are still calling me “she”, except the ones that go to the trouble of avoiding pronouns altogether, and very often, if someone says, eg, “Mummy’s got her shoes on,” she goes, “Mummy’s a boy!”

21 03 2009
Jacky V.

Glo: It makes me giggle every time too, especially if there are strangers nearby
; )

Nick: That is SO sweet that your daugther corrects people. It’s quite something that our kids get it quicker than grown-ups.

10 05 2009
Mother’s Day for Trans Moms « Tboy Jacky

[…] my own mom, are unsure about my current status as a mom. But as I’ve written here, here and here I’ll always be my son’s mom. […]

10 05 2009
Mother’s Day for Trans Moms : Genderology

[…] my own mom, are unsure about my current status as a mom. But as I’ve written here, here and here I’ll always be my son’s mom. […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s




%d bloggers like this: