It’s really not that big of a deal anymore . . .oh, and breasts.

2 02 2009

Business and needing downtime away from my PC on most evenings aren’t the only reason for my lower blogging frequency these days. Transition just isn’t that big of a deal anymore it seems. Not that I don’t think about it at all anymore but it’s not the central concern of my life. Other things have taken over my centre of preoccupation, such as my autistic son’s progress and completing my PhD. Most of the time, I feel so UNgendered. I rarely think about being a guy, which is in stark contract to how I thought about gender constantly in the days when I tried to be a “real” female. Sometimes I realise that I’m doing things that aren’t seen as very manly and I don’t care. I have no issue with being a different kind of guy. It’s not my goal at all to be “like other guys”. In fact, if there was a box that said: “other” I would gladly mark it off because ultimately, I’m genderqueer. I just happen to prefer a male-like packaging for my own sense of self.

All that being said, my breasts are getting on my nerves. For a while, I couldn’t handle the thought of getting rid of them as I used them to nurse my son, something that I see as a concrete manifestation of the spiritual bond that I established with him early on. Then there is the sexual pleasure that they’re brought me. But now the binding is become so annoying that the discomfort outweighs any benefit of keeping them. Sure, I get to shock people with my genderqueer strip teases. But that novelty will soon wear off. I just hope that I can lose 30-40 pounds and raise $6000 in time to get them taken care of when that novelty HAS worn off.

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13 responses

3 02 2009
Dee

Hi Jacky,

I did wonder as to where you were.

I send you warmth and best wishes and success with your PhD.
Dee

4 02 2009
Dee

………. and all other matters, of course.

Dee x

5 02 2009
Jacky V.

Thanks Dee!

5 02 2009
BT

Miranda: How is your son doing? Sneakergirl sends her affections; she has aged to seventeen recently, quite a lurch for her, but she’s taking it well.

Rogan: I read about your feelings of being ungendered and hope to work my way there as well. Right now, I still feel like I still slightly perform masculinity to people I’m out to in public, and to some extent even in private. Lately, gender dysphoria has started biting me in the ass, which I never used to have much trouble with. Don’t suppose you have any tricks you used to help ease it?

5 02 2009
Jacky V.

17! Wow! All the way from 12! How does my favourite Sneakergirl like it? Miranda, how are you doing? And how are Gigi and Mac? Rogan: yeah, once in a while I’m walking around and take notice of how I’m walking or something like that. But it’s not an overwhelming feeling like it used to be. Tricks to help ease gender dysphoria? It’s quite a process of introspection and examining what your relationship to gender is, how comfortable you are with picking one or being fluid, how much you care what others perceive you as, etc. And it can change over time so . . . there are no real tricks other than coming to terms with who you are and who you want to be. At least that’s my experience. Don’t know how helpful that is. But from our past conversations, I get the impression that you and your whole gang are pretty good at self-exploration and affirming who you are. That’s pretty impressive!

I miss you all! I’m rarely on the PC long enough to open MSN chat anymore. We should make a date to catch up!

5 02 2009
BT

Sneak: I’m so tall now! I’m taller than Rogan, it makes him grumpy. I’m making sculptures and dolls and stuff, it’s fun.

Gigi: I am the only child left. I am little. O_o It is strange.

Miranda: We DO need to catch up! We have to use internet cafes now, but whenever you’re available…

Rogan: Enh, I’ve just been getting weird physical crap. Like, can’t touch my chest inside without the amazing Phantom Boobs phenomenon, which tends to crash my brain because it thinks reality shouldn’t work that way. Can’t figure out how to break it…

7 02 2009
Jacky V.

Oh, yeah. I bet Rogan is grumpy about you outgrowing him. How do you feel about skipping all those years, Sneak?

Gigi: Do you like being the only child?

Miranda: I can probably be online some evening (my time) this week. How many hours apart are we anyway?

Roday: Phantom boobs. . . that must suck, if you don’t want to have boobs.

12 02 2009
BT

Sneak: Oh, and JACKY JACKY I TOTALLY SAW A PENGUIN IN THE WILD IT WAS A CUTE LITTLE BLUE ONE IT WAS AWESOME. As for skipping the years… I had a bit of information overload at first, but I think I’m adjusting pretty well. I get a lot more of Mac Dad’s jokes than I used to… o_o

Gigi: …I don’t know if I like being the only child left. I have never aged, but now I feel I should.

Miranda: Oh goodness. Well, we are five hours earlier than Texas… and a day ahead.

Sneak: We’re totally in your tomorrow! It’s like time-travel.

Miranda: True.

Mac: We’re working on the phantom boobs. I think we can work through it, it’ll just take some creativity. And I’m nothing but creative! 😀

17 02 2009
Jillian Page

I can understand how transitioning becomes not that big of deal anymore. Like everything else in life — the novelty wears off. Family is the most important thing, I think.

Will see you Saturday night at La Sala Rossa. Will call you on Friday.

Cheers
Jillian

23 02 2009
Joyce

Jacky V, it sounds very, very much like my experiences. The thrill and fear of doing something new wears off really fast, and living as your true self every day is a process that sheds off things that don’t matter and encourages those that do matter. I was just about to post a blog entry about this, so it must be timely.

And I totally get the annoyance with binding. I’ve got things so bound up down below that it’s becoming an incredible annoyance and I can’t wait to be rid of the annoyance. I don’t mind the parts so much, but getting them hidden every day is what’s killing me.

You sound very healthy and happy — not in an ecstatic sense, but in a nicely grounded, mundane sense, and I think that’s what all gender-dysphoric hope for: normalcy. Good for you.

23 02 2009
Jacky V.

Thanks Jillian and Joyce! By the way, you two should check out each other’s blogs! Joyce is listed under TransLate and I’ve been following her every since I’ve been on WordPress. She’s very much worth a read. And Jillian is under Jillian Page and Patent Pending. I’ve also been following her from the beginning and, also, well worth a read.

Joyce, you’re right, I’m feeling very grounded. I’m not necessarily into normalcy but very much into not having gender issues interfere with other stuff I want to do.

24 02 2009
Shirley Anne

Hi Jacky. Found a moment to read a blog or two. I can understand where you are coming from with the boobs LOL! I remember when mine became shall we say, more prominent, a girl said to me, ‘you must be mad wanting these things, they get in the way’! I hadn’t thought about them ‘getting in the way’ but she may have had a reason for saying it. She might have been transitioning herself. If they are there when you feel they shouldn’t be I can imagine what a pain in the butt that must be. In fact I KNOW what a pain it must be having had a similar situation LOL again. You seem to be handling everything in your stride though and I hope you’ll get the cash together to have the necessary op. in the not too distant future. Love and hugs

Shirley Anne x

26 02 2009
Jacky V.

Thanks Shirley Anne;

It’s been quite a process with the breasts. I have an emotional attachment to them, having nursed my son with them. But I don’t need them to provide him with the nurturance that he needs. And, although I love breasts, I can no longer stand them on *me*.

Oh well, someday I will have the $$ I need!

Thanks again!
Jacky

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