It’s really not that big of a deal anymore . . .oh, and breasts.

2 02 2009

Business and needing downtime away from my PC on most evenings aren’t the only reason for my lower blogging frequency these days. Transition just isn’t that big of a deal anymore it seems. Not that I don’t think about it at all anymore but it’s not the central concern of my life. Other things have taken over my centre of preoccupation, such as my autistic son’s progress and completing my PhD. Most of the time, I feel so UNgendered. I rarely think about being a guy, which is in stark contract to how I thought about gender constantly in the days when I tried to be a “real” female. Sometimes I realise that I’m doing things that aren’t seen as very manly and I don’t care. I have no issue with being a different kind of guy. It’s not my goal at all to be “like other guys”. In fact, if there was a box that said: “other” I would gladly mark it off because ultimately, I’m genderqueer. I just happen to prefer a male-like packaging for my own sense of self.

All that being said, my breasts are getting on my nerves. For a while, I couldn’t handle the thought of getting rid of them as I used them to nurse my son, something that I see as a concrete manifestation of the spiritual bond that I established with him early on. Then there is the sexual pleasure that they’re brought me. But now the binding is become so annoying that the discomfort outweighs any benefit of keeping them. Sure, I get to shock people with my genderqueer strip teases. But that novelty will soon wear off. I just hope that I can lose 30-40 pounds and raise $6000 in time to get them taken care of when that novelty HAS worn off.