I’ve been a very bad blogger. December is always hectic with end-of-term stuff then the break happened. Yeah, I had a bit more time but laziness overwhelmed me so I did more Buffy the Vampire Slayer watching and spent way less time in front of the PC.
SO: in terms of transition, life goes on. My face is getting hairier all the time, the hair on my head has gotten thinner. For a while I was panicking about that but upon observation of my bio male brethren, I notice that even men with full heads of hair have hairlines that are further back than what most women have. So, although I’m still monitoring the situation and am going to talk about this with my endo so I can look into what my options are when I see him, I’m not in panick mode for now. Body hair continues to grow and darken in various locations.
My voice has stabilised quite a bit. I can carry a tune with my new voice but my range is limited. I try to practice often enough. My muscles have developed a bit even though I went quite a while without exercising. I’m starting to exercise again at home so hopefully that will progress even more.
There are some psychological changes but mostly from becoming more “me”. I don’t think about gender very much, other than in political and academic terms. I don’t feel gendered in my daily life like I used to, which is good. To me, it’s a sign that it’s becoming a non-issue, unlike when I had to “prove” that I was female.
Lately, I’ve been feeling somewhat anxious. It feels like teenage angst all over again and I’ve felt a bit of inner turmoil. I don’t know if that’s hormonal changes or just a product of being in another major life process, that of being a PhD student. It’s a big, exciting and scary thing, especially since it will involve 8-12 months of fieldwork in a community in Northen Quebec. It’s never easy to adjust to a whole different world. The community may be in my province but the culture is very different.
Also, I’ve had to come to terms with the realisation of having been a target of psychological abuse as a child. It’s something that I’ve always somehow known but not actively thought about until I saw that same abuse from the same person directed at others. It’s not fun to have to acknowledge that because, somehow, it alters my vision of my own childhood and locates me in the category of “victim”, which I don’t like at all. I prefer to see it in terms of “survival” than “victimhood”, but it’s still a shock to the system. It feels like when I was 21 and discovered that I had been raped at 16. Until I heard about “date rape”, I didn’t think it qualified as rape if you were dating the person so that was a shock to the system too.
Anyway, this post is starting to sound dreary. Things aren’t dreary at all. I’m just in a very introspective mood these days, not going out much, trying to take care of myself. It’s all made easier by having good friends that I can talk to and especially a fab girlfriend that doesn’t judge and that is willing to engage in these sorts of topics about myself and herself as well. Mutual opening up is quite liberating and I hadn’t had anyone like that in a long time.
Name change will hopefully be happing in a few months. I’ve been lazy about taking care of the paperwork but I have all my documents now and will be sending it in this week.
I still have a bunch of posts on the way -just need to take the time.