Bits and Bites

I know, I know. I haven’t blogged in over a month. I started PhD studies in September and I’m still working part-time and mothering full-time so blogging has had to take a back seat. It’s not that I have nothing to say – there are tons of things whizzing around in my brain. I just don’t have the time or energy to write them down.

Some recent highlights:

• Psychotherapy: I’m on break. I took the summer off since my psychologist was on vacation for part of it and, since I had the summer off from work, I wanted to keep my schedule open for spontaneous activities with my son. I went back in September and, since things were going so well for me, my psych said to come back only in a month. Then in October, he said that I didn’t really need to come back for a while and to call him when I felt I needed to go back and talk. I will probably go in a few months when I want to start talking about potential surgeries. But for now, I don’t feel that I need to go. Why pay $90 to talk about how great my life is for 50 minutes? Of course, I get half of it back from insurance, but still.
• Top surgery: I’ve been very ambivalent about the future of my breasts and have made peace with the fact that I still get sexual pleasure from them. I know that eventually the daily hassle and discomfort of binding will outweight that and when that happens, I’ll take steps. For now, I’ve had a consultation with a surgeon and he says that it’s good that I’m not ready yet because I’d idealy lose about 30 lbs for the surgery to have good results. This is a good motivator for me: I need to get my ass in gear.
• Men’s washrooms: I use them consistently now and haven’t had any problems. I don’t worry at all about where my feet are pointint when I sit to pee. Guys sit to do other things anyway. And what guy in his right mind would confront me and ask me why I sat down to pee, even if he noticed at all?!?!?!
• Work: I’ll be teaching again in the winter (I replaced teaching with adminstrative work this semester) and I’m curious to see whether students will react in any way. It will be an intro course with mostly new students. I will go as male with no mention of my past name. The only thing that could “out” me is if there is a student that I’ve had in the past or the sibling of a student from last year (which happens a lot . . . I often get students who say they took a course with me because their older sibling had taken me and liked the course). If it comes up, I’ll deal with it openly. But I don’t feel like having to tell my life story to my students. But we’ll see. I am determined not to stress about it. And if I’m outed and it helps some students in the college who are questionning or trans, or have a trans friend or relative by providing a model of someone who’s not ashamed, then great.
• Feeling ungendered: I go through most of my days feeling ungendered. I don’t think about my gestures and what they say about me. I don’t consciously move, speak and sit in calculated ways like I used to when I was trying to express femininity. That is a good sign for me. It means that I’m finally just doing what comes naturally to me.
• Appreciating femininity: Now that I don’t have to measure myself up to standards of femininity, as defined by my society, I actually have a greater appreciation for things that are defined as feminine: softness, nurturange, sweet voices, etc. Not that I see these things are inherently feminine – I’m not an essentialist. But because I always felt they were imposed on me in the past, I reviled them and alienated myself from things that should be accesible to everyone, regardless of what they have between their legs. So now when I see people expressing “femininity” in that particular way, I’m as appreciative of that as I am of other expressions of femininity (power, etc), or various forms of expressing masculinity (which can also include all or any of those same traits!)
• Sexuality: I’m so much more comfortable in my skin now that my sexuality is much more pleasant and exciting than it ever was. When people show attraction to me, I believe it. And I’m less afraid to show attraction to others. I’ve let go of my fear of closeness as well and am able to go deeper into a relationship without feeling like I’m being trapped or invaded. In general, I feel much more open to others. And being non-monogamous rocks!

So I could write a whole post on any of these but . .. . no time!!!!