A thought came to me today. Well, it’s more like a thought that was already there came to the surface.
Lately, I’ve been feeling SO GOOD about the way my life is going. For the first time in my life, everything seems to be on the same track. Most of my life, I’ve felt so . . .fragmented. I felt as though I were simultaneously existing on different planes and I would jump from one to the other, trying to manage all my lives. Sometimes, when I remember something that happened during adolescence, I can’t figure out how old I was until I try to make connections between the different planes. For example, I can never remember how old I was when my dad was in the hospital one particular time until I remember that I took the bus to the hospital from college between two classes and made it back just in time. That tells me I was 18 or 19.
Things are different now. Family, social circle, work, studies, sex, spirit and overall self are all aligned. And each time I realise that a track has merged with the others, I actually feel the “click”. And with every click, I feel more whole and more serene. More capable. More inspired. And filled with potential.
One thing that unites all these areas and allows all these tracks to stay merged is that I NO LONGER FEEL LIKE THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME.
In the past, the thing that all the fragmented and divergent tracks had in common is that, in all areas of my life, I felt like an imposter. I felt like there was something wrong with me that I had to hide because if people found out, they wouldn’t like or respect me. I lived in fear of people finding out that I wasn’t a REAL girl so I would go out of my way to be as girly as possible. I lived in fear of people finding out that I wasn’t as smart as they thought I was so I got drunk and stoned and ignored my school work at times so that I didn’t have to feel the pressure of doing well . . . in case I wouldn’t do well anyway. In the workforce, I lived in fear of people finding out that, deep down, I didn’t know what the hell I was doing.
Now that I know who I am as a transmale, and have accepted and celebrated it, it seems that I am able to live up to myself in all areas of life. I’ve accepted that I’m intelligent and have something to contribute to my field of study. I’ve accepted that I’m competent at the work that I do and that I can become even better. I’ve accepted that I’m capable of giving and receiving love (in various forms). I’ve accepted that it’s true when people tell me I’m attractive or sexy. I’ve accepted that I’m a creative being with interesting and original things to contribute to the world. I’ve accepted that I can help change my part of the world. I’ve accepted that there’s nothing wrong with me and that I’m a significant member of the communities to which I belong.
So my transition goes way beyond the transition from female-to-male. I’m transitionning from a person who was afraid to show her true face to the world, who thought that anything positive people thought of her was inaccurate and unfounded because there was something so fundamentally wrong with her that there COULD be nothing positive about her and who thought that people wouldn’t like her if they foud out the TRUTH to a guy who, without being over-confident and arrogant, believes in himself and his potential to fulfill himself while giving to his communities through motherhood, work, writing, fighting for social change, loving and just plain living.