Why I’ve been calling myself gay

9 03 2008

UPDATE: I added a disclaimer at the bottom of this post. 

I’m actually bisexual, or pansexual, in the sense that I don’t care what’s between a person’s legs. I don’t care about a person’s biological sex. If I’m into someone, I’m into THEM regardless of their physique. I’m also bi in the sense that I DO like all kinds of private parts: cocks, cunts, a mix . . .whatever.

Now, considering I’ve proudly identified as bi for a number of years and that my first involvements in the queer community were as a board (not bored!!) member, and eventually president of a community group for bisexuals, I’m finding my increasing self-identification as gay interesting.

Over time, as I’ve masculinised myself, or rather as I’ve allowed my inner masculinity to radiate, I’ve noticed that what turns me on the most is a masculine presentation. Yes, I know masculine and feminine are largely social and cultural constructions. But I am attracted to a kind of energy and presentation that is usually labelled as “masculine”. Far be it for me to actually describe what that is. It’s something that I perceive and feel and don’t quite have words for right now. So in that sense, I see myself as gay.

However, it doesn’t matter to me what package that masculinity is in. I don’t care if it’s a butchy or tomboyish bio girl or transgirl or a masculine presenting transboy or bio boy. So in that sense I’m still bisexual or pansexual.

But it’s just fun to call myself gay for now. I reserve the right to change that in the future.

Disclaimer: I also reserve the right to be attracted to a feminine person. If I say I’m gay and that I tend to be attracted to people who project masculine energy, it doesn’t mean that I’m incapable of being attracted to someone who projects “feminine” energy. It depends on the person. I’m just observing a tendancy – nothing is set in stone. Who knows, I could fall madly in love with a pretty and feminine person someday.

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7 responses

9 03 2008
RhianWren

I was sitting in my first tutorial for my Communications course last week, and the girl sitting next to me turns and says ‘So, you are like… gay, right?’.
I wasn’t expecting that question, and went rather red, and said ‘Um… yeah… kinda’
That made her curious, so she was says ‘What does ‘kinda’ mean? Are you bisexual or something?’
By this point, the entire class of apparently straight, cissexual 18 year olds is staring at me, and I am sliding down in my chair…
“Bi? Yeah, sure, lets go with that.” The lecturer then woke up, and called attention back to the topic on hand. (Which was the ‘Spiral of Silence’ surrounding minority issues in the media.)
I find it hard enough at the best of times to figure out exactly how to explain my sexuality. The fact that everyone seems to put so much focus on the genitals involved in a scenario just makes things more difficult.
I like your idea of ‘energies’. That kinda explains for me why I am generally attracted to ‘flaming fag’ type gay boys, and feminine women.

9 03 2008
Jacky V.

Interesting. That was pretty gutsy of her (not in the good way) to just turn and ask you if you’re gay. I wonder why she thought that was an OK thing to do.

I know what you mean about it being hard to explain. I come up with explanations like the one in this post occasionally but then a week later, I might not even feel the same way so . . . .

10 03 2008
RhianWren

The topic on hand was minority groups, and I had just made a comment that could have been vaguely construed as being ‘queer’, I suppose. (That people will often fake behaviour in order to fit into a majority group, thus intensifying the lack or representation of minorities…)
However, that really didn’t giver her an excuse to out someone in front of an entire class. Perhaps she thought since I am so ‘obviously’ gay, it was ok.
No idea.

I totally agree. My explanations expire quickly too, so now I ascribe to the ‘sexuality is fluid’ idea, and change my mind whenever I want. 😀

10 03 2008
Jacky V.

Oh brother. Yeah, some people are clueless. Sexual fluidity is good : )

11 03 2008
BT

We actually tend to get stuck in our tracks when somebody asks our sexual orientation. It’s like, “Goddammit. WHOSE?” We did fine answering “straight,” until Mac came here. Then it just got kicked out the window.

I agree that sexuality is likely a lot more fluid than most people think. It’s also, I think, a headache to categorize. Just… leave it alone, for Chrissakes. The whole thing just tends to confuse me if I try and figure out what exactly being gay means to me. Because once I say, ‘I prefer men,’ I have to define men, and THAT is when I get a nosebleed.

Fuck it. I like MAC. There, that’s my sexuality in a nutshell with no issues at all! Go me!

–Rogan

11 03 2008
Jacky V.

Awwww, Rogan. You’re a big pussy cat underneath that gruff exterior ; )

5 12 2009
Missing men « Tboy Jacky

[…] in early 2008, I was beginning to call myself gay and it’s really funny to remember that period because I felt so confused about my sexual […]

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