Blast from the past: Of sex and scamming

7 03 2008

I got fucked! I got screwed! I got fucked in the ass!

No, I’m not describing my first gang bang (although . . . ummmm . . . never mind). These are all phrases people would use not to describe their latest experiences as a sexual penetratee, but situations in which they were ripped off or deceived.

I’ve always found this interesting. From the time in high school when I said I had paid $10 for some piece of jewelry and a friend told me: “You got fucked!” to more recent times when I’ve noticed people using one of these phrases to describe their own misadventures  in the marketplace, I’ve always mentally paused and went: “Hmmmmmm. . . ”

Don’t get me wrong. I use these phrases all the time. And I go: “Hmmmmm . . . ” when I use them too.

What makes me reflect is the negative association that we are making with sex when we do this. More specifically, I’m concerned with the negative association that is made with being the penetratee in a vaginal or anal sex act. Given that mainstream thought ascribes the position of sexual penetratee to  women or gay men, the latter often being qualified as effeminate men especially if they’re bottoms, this seems to be quite telling.

To get fucked, or to be a female or a receptive gay man, is to be the passive and naive recipient of an act of deception. To fuck, or to be male, is to aggressively and cunningly deceive.

This underlying discourse is not surprising considering that Western thought casts sex as an act in which men take from women and in which women give to men. Men like sex and women don’t. Therefore, a sex act is the result of either the man tricking the woman into doing it or the woman giving in, perhaps for some ulterior motive (wanting to be loved, wanting money or wanting a fur coat). This is manifested in promiscuous women being labeled as sluts, or women who give it away just a bit too easily, or without being tricked.

I’m not saying that this is actually true, of course. I’m saying that the mentality that is deeply embedded in Western thought leads people to unquestioningly abide by this “rule of thumb”. So to get fucked is to be cheated and to fuck is to be one-up.

But now that more and more women are embracing their sexuality and being promiscuous in more empowered ways, such as organising their own gang bangs and threesomes, now that more and more hetero men are waiting for women to make the first moves, now that more and more women are using strap-ons on their female or male lovers, and so forth, maybe “getting fucked” and “fucking” will take on new connotations.

Imagine a conversation in which a friend describes an experience in which someone gave them something beautiful and pleasant, whether it be a material gift or an uplifting compliment. “I got fucked big time!” they exclaim. You might remember days when they would have said it in an angry, vehement tone rather than with a dreamy, starry-eyed look.  Or imagine someone telling you that they screwed someone when they stopped and helped someone change a flat tire or held the door open for someone on crutches.

Big question: why is fucking still seen in such a negative light? Why is the role of penetrater imbued with so much power while the role of penetratee is imbued with a lack thereof?

Partial answer: because fucking is still seen as a game of power in which men take and women (or receptive gay men) give up something.

Partial solution: more men need to get their asses fucked with cocks or strap-ons. More women need to strap-on dildos and fuck. People should try to see penetration in a different light. People should see that people at either end of the penetration exchange (assuming there even is one in a given sex act)  are both giving and receiving pleasure.

Isn’t that what sex is supposed to be? Sharing pleasure?

Or am I just fucked?




10 responses

8 03 2008
Tarald Stein

Love it! And wholeheartedly agree.
It may be connected to the way genitals are being used as negative words used to describe people. I’ve never understood why being a dick should be a bad thing. And why straight men would use pussy as a bad word. This puzzles me.

9 03 2008
Jacky V.

I know, it’s funny. I taught a course called “Culture and sexuality” a couple of years ago and we discussed this whole thing of insulting people by calling them a word that describes genitals: cunt, pussy, prick, dick, assholes (not genitals but used in a sexual way). Why don’t we call people clits, I wonder? Because until recently, few people really saw the use? Why not bals? Or scrotum?

I have this thing where I don’t like feet. It’s like a foot anti-fetish. I sometimes tell new lovers that I will lick any part of their body except ther feet! So I should call people “feel” when I don’t like them. In French, people do this actually but I don’t think that’s the case in English.

27 03 2008

I agree more men need to be fucked but it’s still about power IMHO. Whether this should change or not is another discussion but…. The reasons it’s pleasurable for me to be the one fucking is the power or perhaps the allusion of it. But that being said their have been times when i’ve been the one being “fucked” or penetrated and it felt like i was the one doing the fucking (for both of us) it’s in the attitude and how the sex acts are conducted i think.
Which leads for me into a whole other discussion on what making love is. I think two ppl join together just cause appendage A penetrates hole B. That’s not necc. the emotional sex act. And often times for me it’s when those power dynamics are changed that two ppl become closer. This is even the case with two ppl of the same gender where one person just takes on the passive role for whatever reason.
anyway not sure if i am making any sense but just found your piece very thought provoking. thanks!

28 03 2008
Jacky V.

Hmmmm. Well, the power thing. . . I don’t think fucking is inherently power. It has been interpreted that way. But when I fuck, I feel like I am giving something. Hopefully pleasure. I don’t feel that powerful. In fact, the act of giving makes me feel . . .subserviant. And, in a sexual context, I actually kinda like that.

And I don’t think that “getting fucked” is inherently passive either. Again, it’s more of a social perception of it that we internalise. One can actively wrap and tighten one’s vagina or asshole around someone else’s appendage (cock, dildo, finger, zuchini, whatever).

13 08 2008

i dont know if this is off topic or not but i just think the evolution of sexuality in the last ten years is huge, i remember ten years ago it was like “wow uve had sex” and now its like “wow ur still a virgin”, seems like we are all “fucked” these days

14 08 2008
Jacky V.

True, it’s become a matter of course that people start having sex when they’re teens. I don’t have a huge issue with that. I think everyone’s choice should be respected though. When I was a teen, I would laugh at people I thought were virgins. I regret it now because I believe in mutual respect.

14 08 2008

when i was a teen it was a competition between myself and my guy friends on who could lose their virginity first, i did first and it was both a i liked the person and a personal curiousity to the actual experience, i cant imagine still being a virgin i think id explode lol, but goin with ur original blog i never really saw the role of penetrator as being the agressor it seems more of a mutual bonding “when in a true relationship” where both partners are the giver are reciever, and in reference to men wanting sex and women not, well i guess that is more of a person to person thing, i know women who want sex more than most men and then know who do it only when in the “mood” and i even know guys who arent big on sex or who are like me who enjoy it, so i think sex goes beyond gender and becomes very individualistic and a person can never be classified by gender but maybe by their actions can show their level of sexuality. hope that makes sense 🙂

15 08 2008
Jacky V.

Yes, it makes complete sense and I agree with you. Unfortunately, the stereotypes about men, women and sex are still very strong in mainstream North American society. But luckily there are some more progressive and enlightened people out there.

9 03 2009


c’est très bien écrit parce que c’est simple et drôle.
ces stéréotypes ne sont malheureusement pas seulement présents chez les occidentaux, on les retrouve dans bien d’autres pays!

et effectivement, on est pas encore sorti de l’auberge!

thank you!

it is very well written, cause it is simple and funny.
these stereotypes are unfotunately not only strong in western society, you can find them in much other countries!

and yes, we havn’t finished with all that yet!

(hope the translation is not so bad…)

merci encore 🙂

alice (france)

9 03 2009
Jacky V.

Merci! You’re right, stereotypes exist in many societies. But gender norms vary from culture to culture and I can only speak about the norms in my own society with any credibility. Also, in many smaller societies, the norms were influenced by European colonisers and weren’t the same before.

Merci d’avoir écrit! Ta traduction est parfaite. J’ai répondu en anglais pour le bénéfice des autres lecteurs, plutôt anglophone. Mais je devrais bien écrire en français de temps en temps . . .

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