I got fucked! I got screwed! I got fucked in the ass!
No, I’m not describing my first gang bang (although . . . ummmm . . . never mind). These are all phrases people would use not to describe their latest experiences as a sexual penetratee, but situations in which they were ripped off or deceived.
I’ve always found this interesting. From the time in high school when I said I had paid $10 for some piece of jewelry and a friend told me: “You got fucked!” to more recent times when I’ve noticed people using one of these phrases to describe their own misadventures in the marketplace, I’ve always mentally paused and went: “Hmmmmmm. . . ”
Don’t get me wrong. I use these phrases all the time. And I go: “Hmmmmm . . . ” when I use them too.
What makes me reflect is the negative association that we are making with sex when we do this. More specifically, I’m concerned with the negative association that is made with being the penetratee in a vaginal or anal sex act. Given that mainstream thought ascribes the position of sexual penetratee to women or gay men, the latter often being qualified as effeminate men especially if they’re bottoms, this seems to be quite telling.
To get fucked, or to be a female or a receptive gay man, is to be the passive and naive recipient of an act of deception. To fuck, or to be male, is to aggressively and cunningly deceive.
This underlying discourse is not surprising considering that Western thought casts sex as an act in which men take from women and in which women give to men. Men like sex and women don’t. Therefore, a sex act is the result of either the man tricking the woman into doing it or the woman giving in, perhaps for some ulterior motive (wanting to be loved, wanting money or wanting a fur coat). This is manifested in promiscuous women being labeled as sluts, or women who give it away just a bit too easily, or without being tricked.
I’m not saying that this is actually true, of course. I’m saying that the mentality that is deeply embedded in Western thought leads people to unquestioningly abide by this “rule of thumb”. So to get fucked is to be cheated and to fuck is to be one-up.
But now that more and more women are embracing their sexuality and being promiscuous in more empowered ways, such as organising their own gang bangs and threesomes, now that more and more hetero men are waiting for women to make the first moves, now that more and more women are using strap-ons on their female or male lovers, and so forth, maybe “getting fucked” and “fucking” will take on new connotations.
Imagine a conversation in which a friend describes an experience in which someone gave them something beautiful and pleasant, whether it be a material gift or an uplifting compliment. “I got fucked big time!” they exclaim. You might remember days when they would have said it in an angry, vehement tone rather than with a dreamy, starry-eyed look. Or imagine someone telling you that they screwed someone when they stopped and helped someone change a flat tire or held the door open for someone on crutches.
Big question: why is fucking still seen in such a negative light? Why is the role of penetrater imbued with so much power while the role of penetratee is imbued with a lack thereof?
Partial answer: because fucking is still seen as a game of power in which men take and women (or receptive gay men) give up something.
Partial solution: more men need to get their asses fucked with cocks or strap-ons. More women need to strap-on dildos and fuck. People should try to see penetration in a different light. People should see that people at either end of the penetration exchange (assuming there even is one in a given sex act) are both giving and receiving pleasure.
Isn’t that what sex is supposed to be? Sharing pleasure?
Or am I just fucked?