(Originally written as a Facebook note Oct. 2, 2007.)
OK, so I’m drunk and I haven’t been drunk since May, and yes I’m drinking alone like a loser (it started out as a plan to relax with a bit of red wine but I should know better, I can’t leave an unfinished bottle in my vicinity).
Anyway, I’ve been thinking about sexuality a lot, as always but you know I do have an intellectual and anthropological interest in all of that, it’s not *just* pure animal lust (fuck what a twisted sentence that is). So I’ve been doing some cultural analyses in my head and here is what I’ve come up with.
A) People who judge others for their sexual preference have more hang-ups about their own sexuality than about that of others. You know those people who go: “I have nothing against gays/lesbians/bisexuals/whatevers as long as they don’t flaunt it.” As though declaring one’s sexual orientation were tantamount to explicitly describing what one does exactly with one’s sexuality. I was told a few times (and it’s been implied at other times) that people think they know all about my sexuality. All people outside my immediate circle of friends know about my sexuality is that I am attracted to all genders/sexes and that I have an interest in BDSM. They don’t know who I fuck, when, how, how many of them at a time, their genders, their sexes, their ages, who’s on top . . .nothing!
So, what, I’m flaunting my sexuality when I say I’m queer? What the fuck do you MoFo’s think you’re doing when you introduce your opposite-sex spouse? Or showing off your wedding rings? You’re effectively declaring to the world that you are fucking this person. Except it’s an acceptable way to do it because it doesn’t confront people’s confined notions of “proper sexuality”.
2) On the same topic, what if I *did* decide to talk about my sexuality? What if most of the sex I have is recreational? What if I like to talk about how fun it is to give a BJ to a guy that appreciates it or about the unique taste of cunt juice?
Why is it OK for my friends to talk about their forms of recreation, like tennis, painting, watering aquatic plants or whatever the fuck it is you’re into but it’s not OK for those of us who into recreational sex to talk about that? Maybe I like to talk about sexuality with all kinds of people, queer, straight whatever because I find it interesting and I think that we can learn from each other. Maybe we can improve our sex lives by sharing perspectives on what constitutes good, fulfilling sex, what attracts us, what doesn’t, what did we try that was OK, or what did we try that was really hot in one context but not in another, etc.
So, to reiterate, if anyone has problems with anyone else openly discussing their sexuality, it’s probably because they are so hung up about their own that they feel like they’re being put on the spot.
3) The whole sex = intimacy = love business. Boy, do I have issues with that. What makes you (generic you – not aiming at anyone specific here) think that I see sex as this ultimately intimate thing? Sex CAN BE intimate, but so can a hug or a kiss. I happen to think hugging is way more intimate than fucking. I fuck strangers. I don’t hug or kiss them. Why? Because when I hug someone, I’m giving them a piece of myself. You have to mean something to me for me to hug you. I have to care about your well-being and be willing to put myself in a place of vulnerability. But my criteria for fucking is much looser (no pun intended). I don’t feel threatened by fucking.
As for sex = love. They can co-exist, just like sex and intimacy can co-exist. But do they automatically go together? Not for me. I’ve had sex with lots of people but have been intimate with . . . .hmmmm . . . maybe 3 people in my whole life. I mean, really intimate, to the point where I can REALLY say what’s on my mind and not worry that the person will go away. So that I can trust enough to tell the person what I fantasize about in my head so that I can get off. Intimate enough so that I can tell them I love them and really mean it. Yeah, I think 3. One of them has become an apathetic loaf who likes to blame everything on the fact that he grew up in an alcoholic home (I did too, but fuck that, I’ve decided to be happy anyway and to not be a victim of a disease that I had nothing to do with), one is in a hunting camp somewhere in the subarctic, and the other one . . .. not sure where he is (yes, they have all been men. No, that does not disqualify me from being queer).
(I just realised I started with point A and continued with points 2 and 3. I don’t give a shit).
D) People think that everything is OK for LGBT people now, that’s there’s no discrimination or anything. Well, I was blind enough to not see it for a long time because, with long hair, people never think I’m queer. It’s like, I can wear men’s clothes (like, blatantly male clothes such as plaid workshirts and construction boots) and people still think I’m straight because I have long hair. So I’ve been “invisible” as a dyke for quite some time and therefore never had people react to me. But this summer, I came home with a woman and as we sat on the metro, me with my arm around her, people we staring at us looking very confused. As we walked from the metro to my place, with our arms around each other, some guy slowed down his car and hurled insults at us, informing us that this stuff is supposed to happen between a girl and a boy. I wasn’t scared but actually happy that I finally knew what it was like to be visibly queer. It opened my eyes to how much bullshit there still is out there.
E, or 5, whatever the fuck you want) Before the above-mentioned guy drove off, he said “I’d like to see what you girls do together.” *sigh* Lots of people have said to me that it’s easier for lesbians and bi women than for gay/bi men because Western society accepts female homosexuality more than male homosexuality. Well, let me tell you something. That is a giant load of crap. It’s not “society” that accepts female homosexuality. It’s (some) MEN that get TURNED on by seeing women together, not for the sake of women being together, but women being together for their (the men’s) visual entertainment. When people extend this to a “social” tendency to accept female homosexuality, they are underscoring male hegemony: the dominant ones like to see women getting it on so it is therefore socially more acceptable.
Well, here’s news for you. I like to have sex with women because I like tits and I like to lick pussy. Not because it entertains men. And everytime a man assumes that I’m telling him I’m bi just to turn him on, I want to throw up. If I were a lesbian, that would (I imagine) be compounded. So when people tell me that it must be easy for me because I don’t face the discrimination and “ick” reactions that my male brothers do, I want to piss on them because, you know what, I have to face my own difficulties and, although they may tend to be less violent, they still disgust me.
Excerpt from a conversation with a cute plumber in my old apartment building when I invited him up for a drink 2 years ago:
Plumber: “So are you dating someone right now?”
Me: “Well, I’m dating a couple of people.”
P: “Really? How many guys?”
M: “Not just guys . . . ”
P: “Oh! You date women? You have sex with them?”
M: . . .
P: “Now I’m even MORE interested in you!”
P: “What’s wrong?”
M: “How would you like it if a woman said ‘Trevor, I’m so exciting about having sex with you. I finally get to have sex with a Black man.”
P: “That would be pretty shitty.”
M: . . .
P: “Is that what I just did?”
6) People who assume that BDSM is just about people whipping each other and that people who are into BDSM must be sick somehow. Don’t even get me started. Wait, I got myself started. OK, carry on.
I’ve given up on trying to explain to narrow minded people that rather than being DEhumanising, being in a vulnerable, painful, and/or humiliating place can be REhumanising. There’s nothing like being with someone or someoneS and stripping away all the fucking artifice that we put up in our daily lives to achieve true intimacy. True humanity. Life at it’s barest essence. There’s nothing like trusting someone to push your physical and emotional limits to show . .. well, trust. There’s nothing like the willingness to actually set in motion that what has only been in your head, those deep, “dark” fantasies that make you cum when you’re alone with your right or left hand, nothing like finding people who are into that too and playing it out in a safe and consensual way to feel a bond with someone. Talk about intimacy. What about trusting someone with information on a desire that you have that would be branded as sick by the self-righteous?
It’s not just about wearing leather and brandying around whips, people. It’s not just about some people using others as doormats so they can get their aggression out. It’s about people GIVING to each other. Yes, giving. And exploring the inner mind. And, yes, about getting off too, for some people.
And what the fuck is wrong with that?
7) And finally, just because I don’t want to have sex with only one person for the rest of my life doesn’t mean I can’t make a committment. Maybe it’s just that my way of making a committment doesn’t include lying to myself and pretending that no one else on the planet but you can turn me on. And maybe being turned on by other people than you doesn’t mean that that I’m any LESS turned on by you. Maybe I don’t feel threatened when you are turned on by someone else because we’re so intimate with each other that whatever you do with your body doesn’t hold a candle to what we have together.
Now I’m really drunk. Hopefully this will make sense in the morning. I can’t feel guilty, I had a hyper-productive day.