A qualitatively different sex-drive

7 01 2008

*Caution: Do not read if you’re squeamish about discussions of the physical aspects of arousal.* 

Many people in the FTM circuits seem support the claim that testosterone increases one’s sex drive. As I’ve half-jokingly been saying to friends, that could be quite scary in my case, with a sex drive that is already over the top. I mean, it’s difficult (almost said hard – D’OH!) to concentrate on anything sometimes. The only times I don’t think about sex and don’t feel horny are when I’m teaching or when I’m hyper-focussing on a task like creating an assignment or filling out a PhD application. The rest of the time . . .forget it. I have to stop what I’m doing every few minutes to reacquaint myself with the seam of my jeans. Fortunately, the years have taught me to do that discreetly.

A-hem. Anyway. It doesn’t seem possible that my libido could be any higher. What I do believe though is that it will be qualitatively different. I haven’t even begun T yet and already, my sexual desires are starting to change. I used to occasionally be male in my fantasies but now I’m male 95% of the time. I still fantasise about both men and women but my fantasies involving men are about gay sex.

Physically, I already feel a difference in my arousal. Previously, arousal would be a total body thing. I would feel my nipples getting hard and a tug in my breasts, then I would feel myself getting wet. I would also feel my face get flushed and my skin would be all tingly everywhere.

Now . . . well, I’m sure all that stuff still happens but I don’t notice it anymore. All I notice when I’m aroused is this raging hard-on. Seriously. All my sexual energy now seems focussed in my clit and the accompanying “phantom cock”. I feel it get hard and then it feels like I will explode if I don’t get relief. And the whole clit feels hard now, not just the outside bit but that whole 6-7 centimeters that is on the inside. It’s *almost* painful. And now I understand what they jokingly say about men: that they can only use one of their heads at once. I feel like a babbling idiot when I have a hard on.

It will be interesting (to me, anyway) to monitor further developments in this area (no pun intended) when I begin testo. For now, I find it interesting that, in spite of the babblig idiot phenomenon,  I can make these types of clinical observations of myself.

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11 responses

7 01 2008
imabbb

First, let me say that I really respect your courage to “put it all out there” in such a public forum. In one of your posts you say you hope this blog will encourage you to write more because of a potential audience. Let me assure you, if you write it, they will come.

To make it easier for people to find you, try using common tags that relate to your topic. You can find the most popular ones on the main wordpress page, right side. Click the ‘more’ link for (you guessed it) more. That way, when you post, your entry will come up when people click those links. For starters, you could try using health, personal, thoughts, random and sex. If there are any other poular transgender blogs you find, notice what tags (categories) they use and use them too. Your headlines are catchy. Keep that up.

I am a man who lives quite comfortably in his skin, so I cannot be expected to understand exactly what you are going through, but I want to tell you that you are not alone. I read a Time magazine article recently that said there are 3 million transgendered people in the United States. If that is true, that is 1% of our population. One in 100!

I wish you the best and hope you continue to write here for your own benefit and for the benefit of others who will see themselves in your words and find your courage. You are an inspiration.

One word of advice though. I understand about the preoccupation with sex thing, but be careful and don’t wear it out. Lol, you say you babble when you have a hard on. Well, they don’t call me the babbling baboon for nothing.

7 01 2008
imabbb

When I said tags before I meant categories. I think tags are for search engines and categories are for wordpress users. I get most of my traffic from categories within wordpress. Cheers.

8 01 2008
Jacky V.

Hey Imabbb;

Thanks for stopping by and thanks for the tips! As for not being alone, fortunately I’m in touch with a whole network of people like me so it helps a lot. Many people had to fight so that transsexuals today could have an easier time. It’s still not *easy* but it’s *easier* now.

Happy surfing!

8 01 2008
Mish Lee

*waves to the helpful babbling baboon*

Jacky, have you read Califia’s Sex Changes? Think I scared away a good Christian woman (friend of a friend) when she asked me about why people transition. Well, she hasn’t answered back or thrown any other questions my way. Anyways…more later, gotta go.

8 01 2008
Jacky V.

Hey Mish! No, I haven’t read it. I haven’t read any books on transitioning actually and, until I’m well into my own transition, I don’t plan to unless it’s purely informational or purely theoretical. I don’t want to read too much about other people’s experiences right now, until I’ve had them on my own. Part of it is that I don’t want to be too influenced . . .I like to discover a process on my own otherwise I fear that I will somehow unconsciously “model” my reactions to things on what’s been said or written by others. Call me weird.

8 01 2008
Mish Lee

Makes sense, not that it needs to. If it weren’t for Pat’s added bits of humor and commentary throughout it would be more difficult to get through. Good historical-wise and shows just how ass-backwards some of the thoughts & “treatments” were. Slowly making my way through it.

9 01 2008
Jacky V.

Ah, well then it sounds like something that I should put on my to-read list. : )

6 03 2008
Tarald Stein

I thought “Just add Hormones” by Matt Kailey were very funny. Recommended! He’s a gay transman, and I often miss that perspective in similar books. But he is obviously wrong about the “no sex” part. I promise you a good laughter if you read it.

To the point: I’m scared of the increased sex-drive thing too, especially after reading “The testosterone files” by Max Wolf Valerio. I thought it reflected a very biological idea of being human.

9 03 2008
Jacky V.

Thanks for the recommendation Tarald. I would love to read something by a gay transman, being bi myself but increasingly on the gay side it seems. Lately, I’ve been qualifying myself as gay but in the sense that I’m attracted to masculinity – it doesn’t matter if that masculinity is embodied in a bio boy, a transboy or a bio or trans girl. The packaging doesn’t matter to me – it’s the energy and presentation that turn me on.

9 03 2008
Tarald Stein

For me, it’s quite the opposite. It’s the package that turns me on, or at least that’s what’s attracting my attention in the first place. I’m attracted to the feminine in male form. And I have a wonderful capability of seeing the feminine in almost every guy 😉 But the more feminine – the more sexy according to me. I feel kind of shallow to depend so much upon packaging, but I think I need at least one penis of flesh and blood and roughly normal size in a sexual encounter or relationship.

9 03 2008
Jacky V.

Interesting. Well, that’s fine. If we ever hit the bars together, at least we won’t fight over who to hit on ; )

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