Scruff. I love scruffy people and things. Tousled hair, faded clothes, rust on a car, scuffed shoes. To some, this makes people and things look unkept and dirty. To me, this makes things come alive. Every scar, every tear, every stain has a story to tell, a story about lived experience: enduring tough times maybe, or living it up and having a good time. Survival, resilience and the strength to keep laughing. So much focus on living life that there is little time for anything beyond basic grooming and maintenance. Maybe it’s because I’m a plumber’s child and one of my favourite places to be as a child was in my dad’s car, with the buckets of tools in the back, the smell of sawdust, my dad driving with the stubble on his face and a gleam in his eye from enjoying both the physical labour and the brain power needed to conceptualise his work. Maybe that’s why I find so much peace among hunters of the north. No one really seems to care what they look like – it’s the warm and resilient spirits that matter.

(I originally left this as a comment on another blog in response to a post on people’s favourite things. It’s the first time that I managed to clearly articulate why I’m so attracted to scruffiness in me, in others and in things so I transferred it here for safe-keeping. Now to stop procrastinating and get back to work!!)

I have a good excuse for not blogging lately! I’m in the middle of working on my comprehensive exams. So there. This fall is pretty crazy for this doctoral student. I have to get my comps done before mid-December because my thesis supervisor is off on sabattical for the winter semester. Since I’m planning to start my field research in Northern Québec in July, this means I have to get it comps and proposal done before she takes off.

On top of all that, the fall is typically funding application madness so I had a bunch of letters to write to various agencies to convince them of why they should fund my PhD studies and research.

And because that’s not enough, my name change FINALLY came through at the end of September. I sent all my stuff in January and most of the trans people I know around here get their change of name certificate about 2-3 months later. But because I was changing my last name, it took longer. I had hoped to get it in the summer when I would have time to do all the running around to get my name changed on all my documents but NO, they had to send it right in my crazy busy period. *sigh*

It’s all done now though, pretty much. Still waiting for a couple of credit cards with my new name but since they are all maxed out, it’s no big deal. haha. But my driver’s licence, health insurance card, student ID, etc is all in my new name. At last.

Anyway, ta ta till mid-December or so.

In hairiness;

Jacky

I”ve been wanting to write about this for a long time but hadn’t gotten around to it. Back when I was on Live Journal (I think my account is still open as Tboy Jacky. I started to blog there but quickly switched to WP where I have been happy ever since), I joined a few FTM groups. I got into some arguments about “women and trans” spaces such as parties and BDSM play parties. Some trans men, for various reasons, feel that having spaces for women and trans folk that inludes trans men while excluding cis men is unfair. I don’t have time to summarize those views here but below is my own views on it (in abridged form, believe it or not!) A recent “controversy” on a Fetlife discussion group led me to write what is below. I’m sure that someone will come along and express why they disagree and that’s ok, as long as the responses are respectful and not belligerent. I will delete those types of comments.

As an FTM who “grew up” in the dyke community and who was nurtured specifically by the leatherdyke community, I feel that inclusion in spaces that I used to be a part of before transition is a life saver. To be excluded would be devastating as I have developed many close ties there in the years leading up to transition and these ties have been maintained throughout transition. I understand that some transmen do not want to be in those spaces for their own reasons and that is fine. As far as I’m concerned, if a transman does not want to attend a woman and trans space, he is free to not do so. Back when I was on LJ FTM groups, some transmen were arguing that these spaces should not include FTMs while excluding cismen. I disagree. Those transmen may not want to be included but to argue that NO transmen should be included is unfair to those of us who need that space.

As for the exclusion of cis-men, this will sound cliché, I’m sorry, but they have lots of spaces. They really do. And many of us transguys don’t feel safe in spaces dominated by cismen. I generally don’t enjoy pansexual spaces with a hetero leaning (which qualifies most of the pan spaces I’ve been to in Montreal and even a couple in Toronto) because I know that the majority of the men there will think I’m a freak. I’m intimidated by gay male spaces because I have never, even seen a gay male space reach out to transmen to make us feel included. Maybe that happens in Toronto (?) but not in Montreal. Except for one local discussion group for gay and bisexual men which specifies that it is for all male-identified people, I’ve never seen any kind of FTM inclusion.

Now, in an ideal world, there would be a nice variety of spaces available to me. Some that were women and trans and some that included cismen that were open to trans people of all stripes. As soon as I find the latter, here or elsewhere, I will be sure to check it out because I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to have the opportunity to meet men (trans and cis) who would potentially be interested in a guy like me.

As for phrasing: NO PHRASING WILL PLEASE EVERYONE. There are various phrasings such as “women past, present and future”, “women and trans” etc. All of them have their problems. There is no easy way to phrase it. My suggestion to the organisers (because they did ask me personally) is to pick one, explain their choice in their mandate somewhere and acknowledge that it’s not perfect.

Finally, someone mentioned that including transmen in “women and trans” spaces has to do with exoticizing. It might be tempting to think so but I’ve been circulating in such spaces and never have I felt exoticized. On my way home from Ottawa on Monday after attending my second Unholy Harvest (for women and trans) I commented to my girlfriend that one of the reasons I love the vibe is that everyone there is sexy in their own way and everyone there acknowledges everyone else’s sexiness. Yes, I was made to feel sexy but no more or less sexy than anyone else there. It is one of the few spaces that I can walk around with breasts and my masculinity is not questioned. I know that I could even dress up in drag with women’s lingerie (because, yes, I kept all of mine) and still be seen as a guy. Very few people that I know outside of this space are able to look at me topless and refer to me as “he.” I feel respected and validated there. I wouldn’t give it up for anything and if organisers of such event threw up their hands and made it “women only” to please some transguys who feel insulted by this inclusion, I would be devastated.

Yes, all this enhances a difference between trans and cis men. Some trans men don’t like that. They don’t have to come. They can mingle and blend in with cis men. They can create spaces for all men. They can also create spaces for all men and women of all origins that like to play with men and women of all origins. That would be amazing and I would go. But this does not take away the need for spaces for women and trans. Incidentally, I do also understand that women (trans and cis) need their space too without any men. I respect that and would respect a women only space. I also respect women in women and trans spaces who don’t want to play with men. That’s OK. All these spaces can coexist and people should be free to circulate among them.

Finally, I know there are cis men out there who are allies and supporters and who might feel excluded by women only or women and trans spaces. They can participate in the creation of all-inclusive spaces, or spaces that are inclusive to ALL PEOPLE WHO ARE RESPECTFUL of all and perhaps where education can happen about how to respect not only gender difference but also cultural, linguistic, ability, age difference and so forth.

I really don’t think I will be bored anytime in the next few decades. There is much to do to try to improve the world that I live in. I wish I could magically do it all but I’m one person and the best I can do is concentrate my efforts in a few causes, support other causes and the people that work for them and be a positive role model for people around me who think that they can’t do anything to change the world.

In no particular order:

• Finish my PhD. I’m doing this mostly for myself because I’ve always wanted to go to the end of the educational system and, even though I’ve discovered its many flaws in the course of my academic career, finishing will give me the sense of completion that I need. It will also give me social credibility. I don’t agree with the social values that give me more of a voice as a scholarly academic type than it does to people who chose other paths but I can at least use this voice, in combination with consultation with those who have less of a voice, to promote the well-being of the voiceless (or, more accurately, those whose voices go unheard).
• Promote decolonization in Canada. I’m quite sickened by my provincial and federal governments who proceed with neo-colonial projects on one hand while denying that their actions are oppressive toward Aboriginal peoples. My future political career will have Aboriginal rights as one of its primary goals, as will the rights of the mentally challenged, LGBTQI people and Indigenous rights worldwide.
• Promote autism awareness in my city (to start). I’m appalled and saddened by the reactions of strangers to my son and I.  People know that autism is supposedly on the rise but have no idea of the actual manifestations of autism. When my son has had meltdowns in public, we have been threatened, harassed and called names by passers-by and, occasionally, by workers in whatever establishment we happened to be in. This widespread ignorance is a primary contributor to the sense of low self-esteem and isolation that affects autistics and their families. A little respect, tolerance and help would go such a long way.
• Alternative family solidarity. Those of us families who have a member who is autistic, LGBTQI or physically or mentally challenged or who have values that don’t quite adhere to the mainstream, such as alternate spiritualities or polyamory, are often excluded at best and ostracized at worst from mainstream family gatherings. In these contexts, we always have to explain ourselves or watch what we say. I want to gather “alternative” families of all stripes and their friends to organise social activities where we will feel free to be ourselves AND have the opportunity to learn from each other. A secondary goal would be to support each other in our specific struggles to gain acceptance in the various communities in which we take part.
• DIY Porn. About a year and a half ago, I wrote the following: Have you always wanted to be in porn movies but thought you were too fat/gendervariant/non-white/disabled/old/whatever? Are you tired of whitewashed heteronormative glossy porn that does not reflect the true complexities of human sexuality and that underscores rather than subverts patriarchy?
  I have a vision: a low-tech, low-budget grunge porn collective that will model alternate avenues for the exploration of human sexuality. I want to create porn that allows for the sexual expression of people who have either been invisible or fetishized in mainstream porn: non-op, pre-op and post-op transsexuals, genderqueers, fatties, disabled people, ethnic “minorities”, older people, and our friends. I want to create porn that simultaneously deconstructs socially sanctioned sexuality and allows both performers and viewers to get off. I want to create porn that portrays the whole sexual experience from desire to negotiation to sexual interactions of all flavours to afterglow and aftercare. I want to create porn that does not censor all the raw human emotions that permeate real sex.
• Write books! I have lots of book ideas – fiction, social commentary, even plays. One would be an edited volume, in French, containing articles written by various types of trans people about their lives. There isn’t nearly as much info on trans issues in French as there is in English and what is out there falls largely within the “transition as an alternative to suicide” model. As I’ve written here before, I understand that this may be the case for many trans people but I think it’s important that other narratives be heard. I also have a book called: “A Sleeper’s Rage” that I’ve been mentally writing since I was 23.
• Make short and long films. I have some film ideas that would include people who are usually not portrayed in film independently of their non-mainstream status: auties, LGBTQI, etc. I want to make ethnically and racially diverse films that feature folks of different backgrounds, sexualities and genders, sizes, abilities and so forth in ways that go beyond tokenism.
• Zine: A friend and I came up with a story line for a superhero names Clit Woman. With his permission, I plan to elaborate stories for this hero and their friends. I just need someone to illustrate and I think I have an interested party.
• Cooperative housing. I’ve long wanted to find people to live nearby. Not communally in the “hippie” sense but perhaps sharing an appartment building or a large house that would be subdivided into appartments. The idea is that each family, couple or individual would have their own place but we would also have common areas in addition to that for gatherings, occasional communal meals and so forth. I think I have people for that too!
• Work-wise, I’m not sure of my long term goals but they include teaching, activism and writing for sure and, more than likely, political office.
• Phew! Now if only I didn’t have tedious things to do like dishes, laundry, grocery shopping and stuff it would be a lot easier to accomplish all these plans.

It’s just that I don’t see myself as, or feel like a man independently of my female past. I had to be female to be male. And my present maleness accentuates, rather than hides, the female  . . .at least according to my inner eye.

Anytime I ever tried to cut one part off, the other part would suffer. Not that I have a discernible male part and a female part that complement each other. Rather, fe/male is intertwined within me. There is no way to cut male or female out and leave the rest because there would be no rest.

Living as male, as in physically presenting as a guy, makes me feel good. My body likes it and my brain likes it. I feel more balanced. But there is woman interfused within all that is male about me.

I look at my hands and they are fe/male hands.

I look at my face in the mirror – delicate laughing eyes with a dark history, soft skin, beard – and it is fe/male.

I look at my chest with the breasts and the hair and it is fe/male.

I look at my cunt and it is fe/male.

My drive comes from the female. My balance comes from the male. My power comes from the blend.

I choose to live as male for now and I like it because I sometimes go on stage as female, or fe/male.

But, who knows, maybe someday I will just go out into the world as fe/male . . . a fe/male who’s lived both lives.

I’ve thought about it. Lots. And ya know what? I don’t really think I want an “M” on my ID. I like being in between. I like being FTM and I feel that keeping the F on my ID is one way of maintaining an FTM, rather than an M, identity.

I like the mixed message that the F sends just like I like the mixed message that keeping Nancy as my official middle name sends. I like being of an “other” sex. I wish there was a T option or at least “other” where one could fill in the blank.

I’m not male, I’m . .. something else. A guy. But a guy who’s got girl bits and wants to keep most of them. A female-bodied guy.

It’s not an exotic thing. It’s just an alternate (to the mainstream) way of being and I like it.

DISCLAIMER: As always, I speak for myself and by no means imply that being trans is an in between state for anyone but me or that no one else should desire the M or the F that they wish to have.

I hate having to put these disclaimers but I’ve seen the hatred that gets thrown around even in the trans community when people don’t like how other people express their transness so if the above does not apply to you, please respect my difference as I respect yours. If it makes you angry because you want all trans people to fit in the binary and people like me make you look bad to the mainstream, then please move along and abstain from leaving hateful comments on my blog.

In the comments section of my post: “The Stress of Stealth?“, Nix Williams linked to a post with the lyrics and an uploaded recording of a song he wrote. It’s worth checking out, as well as the accompanying commentary by Nix. It really helps me imagine in a more clear and emotional way what it must be like to be full stealth. While you’re there, check out the rest of Nix’s blog!

Any trans guys reading this who are on T and pre-hysto get menstrual-type cramping on occasion? It’s been happening to me more and more. Started a few months ago but was very infrequent. Lately, it’s been happening more. A week ago, it was so bad that I was in tears. I was actually having contractions like when I was in labour for a couple of hours. And, like when I used to have period pains or labour pains, I felt it in my lower back too. I read up a bit and some sites mention cramping in passing as a result of an accumulation of endometrial tissue in the uterus that is not being discharged by menstruation. But that’s all I found.

I will be making an appointment for a consultation with a local trans-friendly gyn-ob next week for sure. But in the meantime, I’d be interested in hearing if any of my bros out there have or have had this happen to them before their hystos.

Maxime LeMay, ex president of the local trans association ATQ (Association des TransexuelLEs du Québec) is now producing a bilingual magazine on all things trans! The exciting part is that it is free and online! Some of the information is specific to Quebec but some of the articles are of interest to all.

Check out Tr@nz!

I don’t know if she’s* still alive but, considering she was probably in her late 70s when I knew her in the early 1990s, I can’t be sure. From the ages of 17 to 19, I was working at a convenience store/gas station (a Shell, I believe) in Sherbrooke, QC. I knew nothing about trans issues at the time but when this male-bodied person who dressed and presented as female came to put gas in her big, white van on a regular basis, shortly before the end of my evening shift, I made it a point to be nice to her and to treat her like a lady because I knew that she probably didn’t get much of that. I looked at her wonderingly through the window as she gassed up, with her flowery dress and hat and her big rough hands.  Sherbrooke is not a tiny place but it is not a big city either and, at the time, it wasn’t the greatest place to be queer. Not that I was anywhere near admitting queerness or transness to myself . . .probably at least in part because it wasn’t the greatest place to be queer.

During my last few weeks, as I did with all my regular customers (the ones who were nice to me, anyway), I told her that I was leaving so that I could attend university in Montreal. This was out first actual conversation and she told me she would miss me. She came all the way to our gas station because she was respected here, she said. The one closer to her home out in Lennoxville, about a 20-30 minute drive away, was scary. There were always nasty teens hanging around who would pick on her and even threaten her. I don’t remember anything about how the service there was but, having gone to that store regularly as I was a student in Lennoxville, I knew that they didn’t get the same kind of customer service training that we did.

I’ve wondered what ever happened to her from time to time. And now that I know more about some of the difficulties involved in being trans, and even more specifically, the difficulties involved in being a trans woman who does not “pass”, I can imagine how brutal it must have been for her in Lennoxville and wherever else she went during her life, roughly from the 1920s onward.

I wish I knew. And I wish I could tell her how much I admire her.

*I’m using female pronouns here based merely on the assumption that she did, or would have if she could have, identified as female. I base this assumption on the fact that she was dressed as female every time I saw her and during mundane activities such as putting gas in one’s vehicle. I realise that I could be grossly mistaken and that maybe this person cross-dressed, did not identify as female, and happened to need gas every time they came out of a weekly discussion group for cross-dressers. Nevertheless, the aspect of the person that I knew radiated femaleness so the “she” is hopefully not insulting to them in any case.