FTM inclusion in play spaces

I”ve been wanting to write about this for a long time but hadn’t gotten around to it. Back when I was on Live Journal (I think my account is still open as Tboy Jacky. I started to blog there but quickly switched to WP where I have been happy ever since), I joined a few FTM groups. I got into some arguments about “women and trans” spaces such as parties and BDSM play parties. Some trans men, for various reasons, feel that having spaces for women and trans folk that inludes trans men while excluding cis men is unfair. I don’t have time to summarize those views here but below is my own views on it (in abridged form, believe it or not!) A recent “controversy” on a Fetlife discussion group led me to write what is below. I’m sure that someone will come along and express why they disagree and that’s ok, as long as the responses are respectful and not belligerent. I will delete those types of comments.

My Projects

I really don’t think I will be bored anytime in the next few decades. There is much to do to try to improve the world that I live in. I wish I could magically do it all but I’m one person and the best I can do is concentrate my efforts in a few causes, support other causes and the people that work for them and be a positive role model for people around me who think that they can’t do anything to change the world.

In no particular order:

• Finish my PhD. I’m doing this mostly for myself because I’ve always wanted to go to the end of the educational system and, even though I’ve discovered its many flaws in the course of my academic career, finishing will give me the sense of completion that I need. It will also give me social credibility. I don’t agree with the social values that give me more of a voice as a scholarly academic type than it does to people who chose other paths but I can at least use this voice, in combination with consultation with those who have less of a voice, to promote the well-being of the voiceless (or, more accurately, those whose voices go unheard).
• Promote decolonization in Canada. I’m quite sickened by my provincial and federal governments who proceed with neo-colonial projects on one hand while denying that their actions are oppressive toward Aboriginal peoples. My future political career will have Aboriginal rights as one of its primary goals, as will the rights of the mentally challenged, LGBTQI people and Indigenous rights worldwide.
• Promote autism awareness in my city (to start). I’m appalled and saddened by the reactions of strangers to my son and I.  People know that autism is supposedly on the rise but have no idea of the actual manifestations of autism. When my son has had meltdowns in public, we have been threatened, harassed and called names by passers-by and, occasionally, by workers in whatever establishment we happened to be in. This widespread ignorance is a primary contributor to the sense of low self-esteem and isolation that affects autistics and their families. A little respect, tolerance and help would go such a long way.
• Alternative family solidarity. Those of us families who have a member who is autistic, LGBTQI or physically or mentally challenged or who have values that don’t quite adhere to the mainstream, such as alternate spiritualities or polyamory, are often excluded at best and ostracized at worst from mainstream family gatherings. In these contexts, we always have to explain ourselves or watch what we say. I want to gather “alternative” families of all stripes and their friends to organise social activities where we will feel free to be ourselves AND have the opportunity to learn from each other. A secondary goal would be to support each other in our specific struggles to gain acceptance in the various communities in which we take part.
• DIY Porn. About a year and a half ago, I wrote the following: Have you always wanted to be in porn movies but thought you were too fat/gendervariant/non-white/disabled/old/whatever? Are you tired of whitewashed heteronormative glossy porn that does not reflect the true complexities of human sexuality and that underscores rather than subverts patriarchy?
  I have a vision: a low-tech, low-budget grunge porn collective that will model alternate avenues for the exploration of human sexuality. I want to create porn that allows for the sexual expression of people who have either been invisible or fetishized in mainstream porn: non-op, pre-op and post-op transsexuals, genderqueers, fatties, disabled people, ethnic “minorities”, older people, and our friends. I want to create porn that simultaneously deconstructs socially sanctioned sexuality and allows both performers and viewers to get off. I want to create porn that portrays the whole sexual experience from desire to negotiation to sexual interactions of all flavours to afterglow and aftercare. I want to create porn that does not censor all the raw human emotions that permeate real sex.
• Write books! I have lots of book ideas – fiction, social commentary, even plays. One would be an edited volume, in French, containing articles written by various types of trans people about their lives. There isn’t nearly as much info on trans issues in French as there is in English and what is out there falls largely within the “transition as an alternative to suicide” model. As I’ve written here before, I understand that this may be the case for many trans people but I think it’s important that other narratives be heard. I also have a book called: “A Sleeper’s Rage” that I’ve been mentally writing since I was 23.
• Make short and long films. I have some film ideas that would include people who are usually not portrayed in film independently of their non-mainstream status: auties, LGBTQI, etc. I want to make ethnically and racially diverse films that feature folks of different backgrounds, sexualities and genders, sizes, abilities and so forth in ways that go beyond tokenism.
• Zine: A friend and I came up with a story line for a superhero names Clit Woman. With his permission, I plan to elaborate stories for this hero and their friends. I just need someone to illustrate and I think I have an interested party.
• Cooperative housing. I’ve long wanted to find people to live nearby. Not communally in the “hippie” sense but perhaps sharing an appartment building or a large house that would be subdivided into appartments. The idea is that each family, couple or individual would have their own place but we would also have common areas in addition to that for gatherings, occasional communal meals and so forth. I think I have people for that too!
• Work-wise, I’m not sure of my long term goals but they include teaching, activism and writing for sure and, more than likely, political office.
• Phew! Now if only I didn’t have tedious things to do like dishes, laundry, grocery shopping and stuff it would be a lot easier to accomplish all these plans.

It’s just that . . .

It’s just that I don’t see myself as, or feel like a man independently of my female past. I had to be female to be male. And my present maleness accentuates, rather than hides, the female  . . .at least according to my inner eye.

Anytime I ever tried to cut one part off, the other part would suffer. Not that I have a discernible male part and a female part that complement each other. Rather, fe/male is intertwined within me. There is no way to cut male or female out and leave the rest because there would be no rest.

Living as male, as in physically presenting as a guy, makes me feel good. My body likes it and my brain likes it. I feel more balanced. But there is woman interfused within all that is male about me.

I look at my hands and they are fe/male hands.

I look at my face in the mirror – delicate laughing eyes with a dark history, soft skin, beard – and it is fe/male.

I look at my chest with the breasts and the hair and it is fe/male.

I look at my cunt and it is fe/male.

My drive comes from the female. My balance comes from the male. My power comes from the blend.

I choose to live as male for now and I like it because I sometimes go on stage as female, or fe/male.

But, who knows, maybe someday I will just go out into the world as fe/male . . . a fe/male who’s lived both lives.

I don’t want the M.

I’ve thought about it. Lots. And ya know what? I don’t really think I want an “M” on my ID. I like being in between. I like being FTM and I feel that keeping the F on my ID is one way of maintaining an FTM, rather than an M, identity.

I like the mixed message that the F sends just like I like the mixed message that keeping Nancy as my official middle name sends. I like being of an “other” sex. I wish there was a T option or at least “other” where one could fill in the blank.

I’m not male, I’m . .. something else. A guy. But a guy who’s got girl bits and wants to keep most of them. A female-bodied guy.

It’s not an exotic thing. It’s just an alternate (to the mainstream) way of being and I like it.

DISCLAIMER: As always, I speak for myself and by no means imply that being trans is an in between state for anyone but me or that no one else should desire the M or the F that they wish to have.

I hate having to put these disclaimers but I’ve seen the hatred that gets thrown around even in the trans community when people don’t like how other people express their transness so if the above does not apply to you, please respect my difference as I respect yours. If it makes you angry because you want all trans people to fit in the binary and people like me make you look bad to the mainstream, then please move along and abstain from leaving hateful comments on my blog.

Nix’s Song

In the comments section of my post: “The Stress of Stealth?“, Nix Williams linked to a post with the lyrics and an uploaded recording of a song he wrote. It’s worth checking out, as well as the accompanying commentary by Nix. It really helps me imagine in a more clear and emotional way what it must be like to be full stealth. While you’re there, check out the rest of Nix’s blog!

In memory of . . .

I don’t know if she’s* still alive but, considering she was probably in her late 70s when I knew her in the early 1990s, I can’t be sure. From the ages of 17 to 19, I was working at a convenience store/gas station (a Shell, I believe) in Sherbrooke, QC. I knew nothing about trans issues at the time but when this male-bodied person who dressed and presented as female came to put gas in her big, white van on a regular basis, shortly before the end of my evening shift, I made it a point to be nice to her and to treat her like a lady because I knew that she probably didn’t get much of that. I looked at her wonderingly through the window as she gassed up, with her flowery dress and hat and her big rough hands.  Sherbrooke is not a tiny place but it is not a big city either and, at the time, it wasn’t the greatest place to be queer. Not that I was anywhere near admitting queerness or transness to myself . . .probably at least in part because it wasn’t the greatest place to be queer.

During my last few weeks, as I did with all my regular customers (the ones who were nice to me, anyway), I told her that I was leaving so that I could attend university in Montreal. This was out first actual conversation and she told me she would miss me. She came all the way to our gas station because she was respected here, she said. The one closer to her home out in Lennoxville, about a 20-30 minute drive away, was scary. There were always nasty teens hanging around who would pick on her and even threaten her. I don’t remember anything about how the service there was but, having gone to that store regularly as I was a student in Lennoxville, I knew that they didn’t get the same kind of customer service training that we did.

I’ve wondered what ever happened to her from time to time. And now that I know more about some of the difficulties involved in being trans, and even more specifically, the difficulties involved in being a trans woman who does not “pass”, I can imagine how brutal it must have been for her in Lennoxville and wherever else she went during her life, roughly from the 1920s onward.

I wish I knew. And I wish I could tell her how much I admire her.

*I’m using female pronouns here based merely on the assumption that she did, or would have if she could have, identified as female. I base this assumption on the fact that she was dressed as female every time I saw her and during mundane activities such as putting gas in one’s vehicle. I realise that I could be grossly mistaken and that maybe this person cross-dressed, did not identify as female, and happened to need gas every time they came out of a weekly discussion group for cross-dressers. Nevertheless, the aspect of the person that I knew radiated femaleness so the “she” is hopefully not insulting to them in any case.

Highlights Series

It occurs to me pretty often that, at the speed my life goes, I don’t always get to savour the moment for very long. My weekends are sometimes so action packed that a wonderful thing that happens on a Friday gets ecclipsed by what happens on Saturday. It’s great that I’m surrounded by awesome people but sometimes, I almost miss the days when one super fantastic thing would happen every few weeks and then I could ride the wave for a few weeks.

So I am starting a series of posts where I will be remembering highlights from my life that I didn’t necessarily get a chance to mentally and emotionally celebrate or even digest after it happened.

Why non-monogamy works for me

This post has little to do with transition but I was thinking of merging this blog with my other more general blog anyway since it is good for people to see trans people blogging about other things too! And also, the further I go, the more I refuse to segment my life. I’m a whole person and this blog, once I have time to integrate my posts from my other blog, will reflect that.

Before proceeding, let me clarify why I put non-monogamy in the title instead of polyamory. I try not to use the two terms interchangeably, although sometimes I do when I’m in a rush. People use the terms differently so here is how I use them. For me, non-monogamy includes a wider range than polyamory.

A year + on testo

I’ve been a very bad blogger. I know I could post more frequently and write shorter posts but I always wind up with a lot to say and I hesitate to start posts when I don’t have a lot of time to spare because I know I will wind up taking more time than I had intended.

So my one year testosterone anniversary on May 26th came and went with no commentary from me. The Saturday before, I had a multi-purpose party to celebrate my anniversary, the end of term, two friends’ birthdays etc. Other than that, it was pretty uneventful.

The Stress of Stealth?

It’s never been a part of my plan to go stealth although I’ve wondered what it must be like. I’m pretty open and, since I want to keep my job (tenure and security for life if I want it!), there is no way that I could have transitioned and be stealth anyway.

However, there are certain quarters in which I’ve tried to be discrete. I haven’t really been that open with my students, for example. Because of the perfect timing of me getting PhD funding and being able to take first, a part-time leave, and now a full-time leave, most of the physical changes necessary for me to be consistently read as male were done before going back to teach. And now I won’t be teaching for 2 years while I work on my doctorate. So there hasn’t been any need for me to deal with students so much.