A year + on testo

I’ve been a very bad blogger. I know I could post more frequently and write shorter posts but I always wind up with a lot to say and I hesitate to start posts when I don’t have a lot of time to spare because I know I will wind up taking more time than I had intended.

So my one year testosterone anniversary on May 26th came and went with no commentary from me. The Saturday before, I had a multi-purpose party to celebrate my anniversary, the end of term, two friends’ birthdays etc. Other than that, it was pretty uneventful.

Crossing the border

I’m pleased to report that I crossed the Canada-US border with my female ID with no problems whatsoever. I was quite worried because, based on my fairly extensive experience crossing into the US, I know that many US customs officers are on power trips and seem to enjoy humiliating people in whatever way they can. I’ve been disgusted by the racial profiling that I’ve witnessed more than once, for example, and bitterly remember when I was a target of prejudice: once because of my tattoos, twice because of my youth and once, last summer, because of my ambiguous gender presentation. (DISCLAIMER: I’m not talking about the American population here, just customs officers. I grew up in the states, consider myself at least part American, and know damn well that the authorities do NOT represent the people. So if you’re looking to call me on some kind of anti-U.S. bigotry, it won’t fly so don’t try.)

Another side effect?

It seems that, having gained more self confidence as a person, I’m now able to go into very scary territories in areas that have nothing to do with transition or other things that people sometimes compliment me for being “brave” about.  Today, I went ice skating for the first time. My mom knew how to ice skate but since there wasn’t much ice where we lived when I was a kid, I never got to learn. Then, I grew up with a terrible fear of ice: this fear that I would fall and break my neck. Determined not to transfer my own fears and self-imposed limitations to my son, I faced me fears, went with him to an indoor rink, rented some skates and went at it!

There were lots of kids since there was a ped day in most elementary schools in the area. They seemed to think it was a hoot to see this 30 something year old guy hanging on to the railing, desperate not to fall. And my little guy did way better than I did! After the third time around the rink, he would spend up to 2-3 minutes skating without holding on to anything! I didn’t even make it to a minute. BUT: just putting on ice skates and venturing out onto the long-dreaded ice was an accomplishment for me. And, yes, we loved it and will go back!

50th post!

I know most “milestone” posts happen at the 100th post but . . . I go through long periods of inactivity so that might take a whole other year. So here’s to 50 posts! (and two drafts!!! and a list of at least 5-6 posts-to-be!)

I have to say that I’ve enjoyed blogging here. I feel like starting a WP blog connected me to a really cool and supportive trans and queer community, something that I never found on LJ when I first started over there about a year ago. Instead of hurtful comments and silly, immature arguments about who has the right to call themselves FTM (like on LJ), I found a diverse group of trans and queer folk of all stripes who support each other and discover new ideas through dialogue.

So, here are some stats to mark the 50th:

Taking a plunge

OK, so quite a few trans folk have been showing their faces on their blogs. I hesitated for a long time. One of the reasons was that I was worried that a student would accidentally stumble across my blog and put 2 and 2 together. You know what? I don’t care anymore. At this point, I’m pretty sure that several students know, just because my occasional ventures to the campus this semester (I’m on leave) have consisted of quite a few encounters with confused looking students. Also, I’ve given guest presentations to students that have had me in the past as a teacher – as a woman. And I was now introduced as male so . . .

5 months on testosterone

So, today, October 26, I’ve been on testosterone for exactly 5 months. Unbelievable. It seems like only yesterday that I was on the internet looking for a psychologist, thinking that it would be at least another year before I started hormone treatment. That was in December 2007. So here is a list of observed changes, physical and other:

Bits and Bites

I know, I know. I haven’t blogged in over a month. I started PhD studies in September and I’m still working part-time and mothering full-time so blogging has had to take a back seat. It’s not that I have nothing to say – there are tons of things whizzing around in my brain. I just don’t have the time or energy to write them down.

Some recent highlights:

• Psychotherapy: I’m on break. I took the summer off since my psychologist was on vacation for part of it and, since I had the summer off from work, I wanted to keep my schedule open for spontaneous activities with my son. I went back in September and, since things were going so well for me, my psych said to come back only in a month. Then in October, he said that I didn’t really need to come back for a while and to call him when I felt I needed to go back and talk. I will probably go in a few months when I want to start talking about potential surgeries. But for now, I don’t feel that I need to go. Why pay $90 to talk about how great my life is for 50 minutes? Of course, I get half of it back from insurance, but still.
• Top surgery: I’ve been very ambivalent about the future of my breasts and have made peace with the fact that I still get sexual pleasure from them. I know that eventually the daily hassle and discomfort of binding will outweight that and when that happens, I’ll take steps. For now, I’ve had a consultation with a surgeon and he says that it’s good that I’m not ready yet because I’d idealy lose about 30 lbs for the surgery to have good results. This is a good motivator for me: I need to get my ass in gear.
• Men’s washrooms: I use them consistently now and haven’t had any problems. I don’t worry at all about where my feet are pointint when I sit to pee. Guys sit to do other things anyway. And what guy in his right mind would confront me and ask me why I sat down to pee, even if he noticed at all?!?!?!
• Work: I’ll be teaching again in the winter (I replaced teaching with adminstrative work this semester) and I’m curious to see whether students will react in any way. It will be an intro course with mostly new students. I will go as male with no mention of my past name. The only thing that could “out” me is if there is a student that I’ve had in the past or the sibling of a student from last year (which happens a lot . . . I often get students who say they took a course with me because their older sibling had taken me and liked the course). If it comes up, I’ll deal with it openly. But I don’t feel like having to tell my life story to my students. But we’ll see. I am determined not to stress about it. And if I’m outed and it helps some students in the college who are questionning or trans, or have a trans friend or relative by providing a model of someone who’s not ashamed, then great.
• Feeling ungendered: I go through most of my days feeling ungendered. I don’t think about my gestures and what they say about me. I don’t consciously move, speak and sit in calculated ways like I used to when I was trying to express femininity. That is a good sign for me. It means that I’m finally just doing what comes naturally to me.
• Appreciating femininity: Now that I don’t have to measure myself up to standards of femininity, as defined by my society, I actually have a greater appreciation for things that are defined as feminine: softness, nurturange, sweet voices, etc. Not that I see these things are inherently feminine – I’m not an essentialist. But because I always felt they were imposed on me in the past, I reviled them and alienated myself from things that should be accesible to everyone, regardless of what they have between their legs. So now when I see people expressing “femininity” in that particular way, I’m as appreciative of that as I am of other expressions of femininity (power, etc), or various forms of expressing masculinity (which can also include all or any of those same traits!)
• Sexuality: I’m so much more comfortable in my skin now that my sexuality is much more pleasant and exciting than it ever was. When people show attraction to me, I believe it. And I’m less afraid to show attraction to others. I’ve let go of my fear of closeness as well and am able to go deeper into a relationship without feeling like I’m being trapped or invaded. In general, I feel much more open to others. And being non-monogamous rocks!

So I could write a whole post on any of these but . .. . no time!!!!

New Hair!

OK, so I just noticed that I have a line of fine hairs growing on my belly, starting about 2 inches below my sternum and reaching all the way down to my belly button. The line of hair that already existed between my belly button and my pubic hair is a tad thicker than it was. Seeing this, I got curious about my chest. I took a careful look and, lo and behold, there are a few fine hairs *just* starting to grow smack in the middle of my chest. Woohoo! This testosterone stuff works wonders!

Thoughts on Menstruation

On June 6, the day before my transition party, I began my first post-testosterone period. I found it very ironic that I should be on the rag for a party celebrating my transition from female-to-male. I figured I would have 1-2 more periods after that. About two weeks ago, I started the familiar PMS. First, I had a sore throat (I know, weird, but that’s been going on for about a year.) Then cramping and vaginal dryness (TMI?). Then moodiness. But then . . . no period! I’m still waiting with baited breath in case it’s just late. But it’s quite possible that my first post-T period was my last. Time will tell.

1st Testosterone Injection – May 26

OK, so before May 26, 2008, the day of my first injection, winds as a mere fragment in my life, it’s time for me to write about it so that I can remember it for the rich, eventful and symbolic day that it was.