It’s just that . . .

It’s just that I don’t see myself as, or feel like a man independently of my female past. I had to be female to be male. And my present maleness accentuates, rather than hides, the female  . . .at least according to my inner eye.

Anytime I ever tried to cut one part off, the other part would suffer. Not that I have a discernible male part and a female part that complement each other. Rather, fe/male is intertwined within me. There is no way to cut male or female out and leave the rest because there would be no rest.

Living as male, as in physically presenting as a guy, makes me feel good. My body likes it and my brain likes it. I feel more balanced. But there is woman interfused within all that is male about me.

I look at my hands and they are fe/male hands.

I look at my face in the mirror – delicate laughing eyes with a dark history, soft skin, beard – and it is fe/male.

I look at my chest with the breasts and the hair and it is fe/male.

I look at my cunt and it is fe/male.

My drive comes from the female. My balance comes from the male. My power comes from the blend.

I choose to live as male for now and I like it because I sometimes go on stage as female, or fe/male.

But, who knows, maybe someday I will just go out into the world as fe/male . . . a fe/male who’s lived both lives.

I don’t want the M.

I’ve thought about it. Lots. And ya know what? I don’t really think I want an “M” on my ID. I like being in between. I like being FTM and I feel that keeping the F on my ID is one way of maintaining an FTM, rather than an M, identity.

I like the mixed message that the F sends just like I like the mixed message that keeping Nancy as my official middle name sends. I like being of an “other” sex. I wish there was a T option or at least “other” where one could fill in the blank.

I’m not male, I’m . .. something else. A guy. But a guy who’s got girl bits and wants to keep most of them. A female-bodied guy.

It’s not an exotic thing. It’s just an alternate (to the mainstream) way of being and I like it.

DISCLAIMER: As always, I speak for myself and by no means imply that being trans is an in between state for anyone but me or that no one else should desire the M or the F that they wish to have.

I hate having to put these disclaimers but I’ve seen the hatred that gets thrown around even in the trans community when people don’t like how other people express their transness so if the above does not apply to you, please respect my difference as I respect yours. If it makes you angry because you want all trans people to fit in the binary and people like me make you look bad to the mainstream, then please move along and abstain from leaving hateful comments on my blog.

Nix’s Song

In the comments section of my post: “The Stress of Stealth?“, Nix Williams linked to a post with the lyrics and an uploaded recording of a song he wrote. It’s worth checking out, as well as the accompanying commentary by Nix. It really helps me imagine in a more clear and emotional way what it must be like to be full stealth. While you’re there, check out the rest of Nix’s blog!

Pain in the . . .uterus?

Any trans guys reading this who are on T and pre-hysto get menstrual-type cramping on occasion? It’s been happening to me more and more. Started a few months ago but was very infrequent. Lately, it’s been happening more. A week ago, it was so bad that I was in tears. I was actually having contractions like when I was in labour for a couple of hours. And, like when I used to have period pains or labour pains, I felt it in my lower back too. I read up a bit and some sites mention cramping in passing as a result of an accumulation of endometrial tissue in the uterus that is not being discharged by menstruation. But that’s all I found.

I will be making an appointment for a consultation with a local trans-friendly gyn-ob next week for sure. But in the meantime, I’d be interested in hearing if any of my bros out there have or have had this happen to them before their hystos.

New trans resource

Maxime LeMay, ex president of the local trans association ATQ (Association des TransexuelLEs du Québec) is now producing a bilingual magazine on all things trans! The exciting part is that it is free and online! Some of the information is specific to Quebec but some of the articles are of interest to all.

Check out Tr@nz!